WEBVTT

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Sexuality,

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for me, it\'s in the spiritual realm.

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Ultimately, it’s how we got onto this planet.

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Reaffirming that we are all

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connected in this human family.

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Can you just tell me who you are

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and what you do?

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So my name?

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Rebecca Torosian, and

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I\'m still trying to figure that out like when I talk to different people

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how to describe what I do.

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Like sometimes I\'m like hmm,

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I\'ll just tell this person like I\'m a mind-body coach

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and if they want to know more they can ask me.

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To somebody else I might say I\'m,

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you know, I am a surrogate partner therapist

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and they can try to imagine what that is.

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So it just depends on who I\'m

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speaking to

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and that\'s still a work in progress, so.

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People contact me

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because they\'re struggling with one of a few problems.

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Premature ejaculation.

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Not being able to get an erection.

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Someone who\'s just never had sex.

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Actual penetration.

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So I get

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emails that say like, helpless, help me,

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you know like all kinds of things in the subject line that are just,

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you know, it\'s heartbreaking sometimes.

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So many people need help.

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And there\'s so little out there

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in terms of below the neck.

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You know, there\'s above the neck and below the neck therapy.

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You know, there\'s above the neck and below the neck therapy. Copy 01

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you got to put it into the physical realm

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to actually make behavior change or have it,

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not make it change, enable it to change.

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When they come to see me,

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it\'s usually I\'d have to say the last place they\'d ever want to be.

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They have to do a leap of faith to really start this process.

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So we have plenty of time to

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accomplish what we need to accomplish today.

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Which is just to, the word accomplish isn’t right.

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It’s just a meet and greet.

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What would you like to see,

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towards the, as we are ending this process?

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I would like to be able to be

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physically passionate with my wife again.

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That would really be the goal.

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You know 5 years with cancer,

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and having the dysfunction because of that

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has led to a lot of,

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I don’t know, I guess certainly anxiety and doubt.

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In terms of like this history, anything you feel like you,

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that would be helpful for me to know?

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My wife and I have been together

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for a long time.

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We started dating in high school

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so it’s been almost 35 years that we’re together

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and for 30 of those years we’ve been physically intimate.

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And all the sudden we’re not.

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And with the exception of when we were,

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when she was 15 years old and we started dating

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and we were just making out,

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you know, everything else really had culminated in some sort of intercourse.

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And now it hasn’t for 5 years

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and there’s the emotional baggage that comes with that

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and if there are ways to get beyond that

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where I would feel more confident in myself,

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that would be incredible if I could walk out of here like that.

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My experience, working with quite a few people with this challenge

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it is definitely possible.

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But when it comes to intimacy and how we relate to each other,

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first of all nonsexually let alone sexually,

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you’ve got to start with, you know,

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being really grounded and in your body

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and aware of what you are actually feeling.

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So at this point what I want to do going to do

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since I’m talking about giving and receiving touch

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is I’m going to break the physical barrier.

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And the way that I’m going to do that is I’m just going to ask you

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to give me a hand massage, that’s it.

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I think he\'s really suffering a lot of loss and grief

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over who he was and who he is today.

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I’m going to close my eyes and enjoy.

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In terms of his lack of mobility his body image all that stuff.

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Ok, I’m going to stop you and I’m going to do the same thing.

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And then dysfunctioning on top of that,

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you know not being able to

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have the satisfying life that he had with his wife.

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I, I\'m here because I want to believe that

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this is going to be successful for me

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but I still have the same recurring doubt of

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whether it\'s physically possible anymore.

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It’s been, it’s been almost 5 years.

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whether it\'s physically possible anymore. Copy 02

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I’d like them to, my mind open I’m willing to you know to

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go along the ride and see if it happens.

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I’m just, I just don’t know if it’s physically possible.

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So.

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We well know by now that we have bodies.

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Two legs, two arms,

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a head and a trunk.

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A small boy knows well enough that he has something else.

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First, a small convenient tube.

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Also he knows he has a little sack

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containing heaven knows what.

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The subject of sex makes most people extremely uncomfortable.

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Nor does he know that these parts of his body

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may one day contribute greatly to his happiness as a man

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or maybe the source of much unhappiness if he fails to grow up

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to his responsibilities as a man.

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The body is shameful,

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the body is only for procreation.

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People crave to be sexual, or to be open about it.

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And yet, they are also extremely fearful about being shunned.

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There’s no sex education,

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no discussion at home, no discussion at school.

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Because of that, then it goes to pornography, which is everywhere.

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And that’s a misrepresentation of intimacy.

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Pornography rewires the brain.

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There\'s actually scientific data on this now.

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The effect of the brain that you can see

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hundreds and thousands of different kinds of images.

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Not that long ago you could only maybe see

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10 naked women in your lifetime.

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It\'s similar to endorphin release.

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Ping.

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Something new.

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This immediate gratification.

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Something new. Copy 01

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Or make those that are happening worse.

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I think the culture is really poisoned.

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I encounter a lot of shame

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and great fear around

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not knowing what they think they’re supposed to know.

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It’s just somehow so innately threatening.

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It’s a sad state of affairs

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when it comes to sexuality in our country.

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And it’s not getting any better.

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Does this work for everybody?

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Does this work for everybody? Copy 01

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No. Copy 01

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I’m working with people who have medical issues. Copy 01

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Now that I\'m convinced that I\'m not going to die from cancer,

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I said this to a bunch of my friends, it\'s not so much

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getting prostate cancer and having it cured,

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And you can put it yeah, there if you want to hang stuff up,

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although your stuff is pretty casual.

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Yeah.

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Cool.

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Yeah. Copy 02

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And just breathe, yeah.

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These sessions start out non sexual,

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so they’re not threatening.

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We sit on a floor on a mat and I just teach them ok,

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close your eyes and touch and describe to me what you’re actually feeling.

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It is a kind of touch education.

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Usually, in sexualized situations, adrenalines going,

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anxiety and arousal can look a lot alike.

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They’re rushing.

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Our culture\'s about get to the goal,

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get to the male orgasm,

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that\'s usually the main focus in sex.

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To slow all that down and look at just where,

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what\'s happening in the moment is radical.

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In the beginning, something learned you got to think about it.

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But then, once you apply it

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over time you might approach touch a little different.

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You know, you can bring yourself back to that if you start

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getting self-conscious or anxious or aroused in a time you don’t want to be

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or feel uncomfortable with...breath.

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Come back to the breath and come back to

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well what is this?

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What do I actually feel?

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It’s cool here, it’s warm here.

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It’s actually simple.

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Like, if I were to give you a book on how to swim

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and talk to you about swimming.

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I mean it seems obvious right? But...

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will you know how to swim? Till you jump in? No.

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It\'s teaching behavior.

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It\'s just that it happens to be in the area of sexuality,

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which is loaded.

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I think if was a purely emotional thing,

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I think it would work really well.

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Counseling and talking and

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calmness and all those things.

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She can probably break through all of those issues.

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The physical barriers as we all acknowledged might be the issue.

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My journey through the years was to really return to the body.

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Whether it\'s as a dancer, as an actor,

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as a therapist, as a body worker.

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It\'s all about the body.

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One of the first experiences that was actually really

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wonderful had to do with sex.

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I was 12.

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And I fell in love.

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We knew we couldn\'t have intercourse,

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but we experimented with pretty much everything else.

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It was so natural.

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As I got older actually

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it felt more artificial.

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I felt like I wasn’t ever going to experience that again.

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That contributed to what I do today.

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I came to New York to dance.

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I\'m going to come and be discovered.

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Of course I had to make a living.

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I started stripping.

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And loved it. Love stripping.

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One night, I was going to do a bachelor party.

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I met a guy who said he was waiting for a bus.

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We started talking.

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And he said let’s go for some coffee.

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I said sure, let\'s go for some coffee.

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I was wearing a short skirt and heels, you know, going to do a show.

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You know, everything was like, don\'t do it.

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I ignore it. I just walk right through it.

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He grabbed my arm.

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I was like, “No, you don\'t have to do this.”

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He grabbed me, put me down behind the dumpster.

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And there’s no way I could have fought him.

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So I submitted.

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I didn\'t feel like a victim.

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I felt that it was a turning point for me.

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I’m more empathetic.

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I can understand the sufferings of another person.

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Because of that, I’m going to turn this poison into medicine.

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I was looking for work and I answered an ad

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in the Village Voice, I think it was,

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which was for this type of work

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which was for this type of work Copy 01

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I started training there

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and a small group of surrogates working with a sex therapist

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in the triadic model.

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So, the patient, the therapist and the surrogate and

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I learned about the problems, I learned how to apply these techniques

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or these exercises to help and this process.

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I saw people getting better and

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I was like wow, this is amazing.

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And I wonder, how many times you had sex?

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And I wonder, do you know who will be next?

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And I wonder,

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My life was changing though and

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I was moving away from doing the work.

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Wonder I do.

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We met

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across the street from my old apartment

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at a bar called The Allstate.

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And six months after that,

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we got married.

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And we’ve been married for

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11 years.

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It’s nice here.

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She explained to me her history.

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She had worked as a sex surrogate.

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The first thing I went to, oh,

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it’s like sex for money or blah, blah, blah.

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You alright?

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What are you looking at?

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I guess at first that I was kind of freaking out.

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But she wasn’t doing the work at the time.

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The fact that she had done it before,

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that was before we met.

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So what?

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Yummy, yummy in my tummy.

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It’s hot.

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Around a year ago or so I

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I started talking to my husband about, you know well,

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you know my story,

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and this is the way that I would

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do this work today,

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what do you think?

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I thought about the patients I guess.

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The suffering they had been going through for their whole lives.

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I saw the value in it.

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He trusts me.

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So, I’m kind of cheating today.

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For me it’s leotard, but you know…

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There you go.

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I’m not really cheating. Sort of.

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Certainly my instinct

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was to kind of, to, to zoom ahead

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and then be somewhere else and…

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Even if you or whomever does nothing else

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this feels good.

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It still feels good to be touched.

00:17:24.000 --> 00:17:27.167
And that’s one of the places I’m emotionally trying to get back to.

00:17:27.167 --> 00:17:28.834
So we’re going to cross the rubicon,

00:17:28.834 --> 00:17:30.584
that means we’re not going back.

00:17:30.584 --> 00:17:32.834
So what we’re going to do is take clothes off.

00:17:32.834 --> 00:17:34.209
You knew that was coming right? Okay.

00:17:34.209 --> 00:17:36.917
So, you know, you see why I didn’t tell you up front.

00:17:40.420 --> 00:17:44.417
Now I’m feeling that you’re a little bit more tense.

00:17:44.417 --> 00:17:46.830
The muscles are…

00:17:46.830 --> 00:17:47.250
Good.

00:17:47.250 --> 00:17:51.420
Flexed. Your arms are definitely cooler.

00:17:51.420 --> 00:17:53.626
Good.

00:17:53.626 --> 00:17:55.375
I’m going to move back and make myself accessible.

00:17:55.375 --> 00:17:56.500
There you go.

00:17:56.500 --> 00:18:01.292
Just touch and, and describe.

00:18:01.292 --> 00:18:02.167
Nice.

00:18:02.167 --> 00:18:03.292
Not nice, no

00:18:03.292 --> 00:18:05.834
No. Nope. No nice. No nice.

00:18:05.834 --> 00:18:07.917
Physiological. Physiological. What does it feel like?

00:18:07.917 --> 00:18:08.876
If you didn’t know what they were?

00:18:08.876 --> 00:18:12.830
It feels soft, it feels smooth.

00:18:12.830 --> 00:18:14.420
Good.

00:18:14.420 --> 00:18:17.876
There’s a somewhat hard point on the end.

00:18:17.876 --> 00:18:23.375
Good. Good. Good. OK. You can keep going, yeah.

00:18:23.375 --> 00:18:26.209
I’ll lean back.

00:18:26.209 --> 00:18:28.751
It’s a little sweaty.

00:18:28.751 --> 00:18:31.959
It feels sweaty ok, yeah.

00:18:31.959 --> 00:18:34.417
It’s definitely getting warmer.

00:18:34.417 --> 00:18:36.459
OK. Keep going.

00:18:36.459 --> 00:18:38.830
What’s that feel like? Keep going.

00:18:38.830 --> 00:18:39.334
I still feel…

00:18:39.334 --> 00:18:40.542
Yeah no, like perceptive.

00:18:40.542 --> 00:18:41.626
Like really feel it. Yeah.

00:18:41.626 --> 00:18:43.420
There you go.

00:18:43.420 --> 00:18:47.959
There’s still like an underlying strength though.

00:18:47.959 --> 00:18:49.667
These muscles are definitely more relaxed

00:18:49.667 --> 00:18:51.209
than the muscles in your back and shoulder.

00:18:51.209 --> 00:18:54.830
Ok. Good.

00:18:54.830 --> 00:18:56.500
Back here they’re certainly tighter.

00:18:56.500 --> 00:18:58.375
I’m going to, I’m going to guide your hands

00:18:58.375 --> 00:18:59.751
so you feel a little bit on the outside here.

00:18:59.751 --> 00:19:02.792
So what does it feel like?

00:19:02.792 --> 00:19:04.167
It’s uh…

00:19:04.167 --> 00:19:05.959
Just describe.

00:19:05.959 --> 00:19:07.334
There’s a softness.

00:19:07.334 --> 00:19:11.667
There’s, it’s a little, little clammy, but not hot.

00:19:11.667 --> 00:19:13.667
Just warm.

00:19:13.667 --> 00:19:15.709
Good. Alright. So…

00:19:15.709 --> 00:19:20.792
Gets wider and

00:19:20.792 --> 00:19:22.751
kind of fuzzy here.

00:19:22.751 --> 00:19:25.334
That’s it. Real quick. Right?

00:19:25.334 --> 00:19:27.626
Not real quick, but that’s the whole point of that.

00:19:27.626 --> 00:19:29.917
So the last thing we’re going to do

00:19:29.917 --> 00:19:31.959
is how we’re going to begin every session.

00:19:31.959 --> 00:19:34.417
And that’s, we always start with the breathing, right?

00:19:34.417 --> 00:19:36.417
So this is in no way different we’re gonna,

00:19:36.417 --> 00:19:38.420
we’re gonna start with the breathing.

00:19:38.420 --> 00:19:39.792
But we’re going to do it in a different way

00:19:39.792 --> 00:19:41.834
and you may have done this with your wife or other girlfriends

00:19:41.834 --> 00:19:44.709
where, you know, you’ve heard of spoon breathing?

00:19:44.709 --> 00:19:48.292
It’s kind of a cultural joke sometimes, “Oh, they’re spooning”.

00:19:55.420 --> 00:19:57.000
Are you comfortable this way? Do you want a pillow?

00:19:57.000 --> 00:20:00.209
No, I’m settling into a comfortable spot.

00:20:00.209 --> 00:20:02.876
Ok I’ll shut up.

00:20:11.667 --> 00:20:14.167
So you can, you can put your clothes on.

00:20:14.167 --> 00:20:14.667
OK.

00:20:14.667 --> 00:20:15.292
I feel like a doctor.

00:20:15.292 --> 00:20:18.417
That’s the only time I feel like a doctor.

00:20:18.417 --> 00:20:21.334
Can this get me far enough along

00:20:21.334 --> 00:20:25.876
myself to be able to perform with somebody else,

00:20:25.876 --> 00:20:27.667
and and I hope it does.

00:20:27.667 --> 00:20:30.209
Like I said, mind is open, I want it to work.

00:20:30.209 --> 00:20:32.917
Um, I don’t know.

00:20:32.917 --> 00:20:35.626
We’ll see.

00:20:44.420 --> 00:20:46.542
Um so yeah could you just tell me what

00:20:46.542 --> 00:20:47.542
what happened with Rob?

00:20:47.542 --> 00:20:50.626
Like what’s the story that happened?

00:20:50.626 --> 00:20:54.830
Yeah so Rob dropped off.

00:20:54.830 --> 00:20:56.375
It’s hard to know what someone\'s thinking, he may have,

00:20:56.375 --> 00:20:59.834
the intimacy of it might have gotten a bit too much.

00:20:59.834 --> 00:21:01.420
That\'s possible.

00:21:01.420 --> 00:21:04.667
I think being on camera, you know, may have been a part of it.

00:21:04.667 --> 00:21:05.709
Absolutely.

00:21:05.709 --> 00:21:07.459
It’s hard enough to show up here

00:21:07.459 --> 00:21:13.792
because I don\'t know if I\'d said this but this is the last place a man,

00:21:13.792 --> 00:21:17.250
a woman, anybody wants to find themselves particularly a man, ever.

00:21:17.250 --> 00:21:20.250
I mean, so they may like me, they make the process is great

00:21:20.250 --> 00:21:23.830
but they don\'t want to have to be in a position where they have to

00:21:23.830 --> 00:21:26.959
come admit and deal with, you know, really

00:21:26.959 --> 00:21:30.542
you know, devastating issues for them as a man. So...

00:21:30.542 --> 00:21:34.751
I admire those who are able to to stick it through and get a lot out of it

00:21:34.751 --> 00:21:38.834
and watch them, you know, participate in their own evolution and change

00:21:38.834 --> 00:21:40.584
around, around this.

00:21:40.584 --> 00:21:45.334
So, I think that\'s probably what happened.

00:22:01.584 --> 00:22:05.792
Whenever you do anything groundbreaking,

00:22:05.792 --> 00:22:09.584
opening up a door,

00:22:09.584 --> 00:22:13.876
you\'re going to have a lot of resistance.

00:22:17.209 --> 00:22:21.000
And I don’t worry about it.

00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:22.876
That just comes with the territory.

00:22:27.125 --> 00:22:31.459
My dream is that there will be an awakening.

00:22:35.876 --> 00:22:39.292
My hope is that I can be a part of

00:22:39.292 --> 00:22:41.209
raising that curtain of awareness.

00:22:43.709 --> 00:22:48.334
To be able to unite with another person,

00:22:48.334 --> 00:22:52.917
that’s a gift.

00:22:54.876 --> 00:22:58.500
It really does come down to being

00:22:58.500 --> 00:23:02.709
more available,

00:23:02.709 --> 00:23:06.209
more at ease,

00:23:06.209 --> 00:23:09.792
more human.