00:00:07.799 --> 00:00:11.469
So I can go ahead and um dive 
into what we found in the report.  

00:00:12.220 --> 00:00:18.351
So we did find that you have dyslexia and that 
that is pointing to a lot of the difficulties you  

00:00:18.351 --> 00:00:24.107
have when it comes to reading, and we also found 
that you have difficulties with attention so we  

00:00:24.107 --> 00:00:29.237
did find ADHD. So we would say that that is also 
contributing to a lot of the difficulties that  

00:00:29.237 --> 00:00:32.907
you're likely having. Is there anything that 
you wanted to add Dr Nolte before i move on ?  

00:00:33.491 --> 00:00:41.082
DR. NOLTE: One thing that's important to recognize is the 
fatiguing factor of ADD. It's like your brain  

00:00:41.082 --> 00:00:47.714
is having to work harder than other people 
to block out the dogs barking and the cars  

00:00:48.673 --> 00:00:55.472
going by and just whatever noises there are. 
Um and you're capable of blocking them out  

00:00:56.139 --> 00:01:05.565
but at a cost and that's cognitive fatigue. 
AFTON: Right. This is 16 pages of things about my brain.  

00:01:06.191 --> 00:01:11.488
Okay so the reason I'm here is because Afton is 
currently struggling to meet her foreign language  

00:01:11.488 --> 00:01:18.453
requirement in her undergraduate studies 
at USC. Understatement of the century. Um  

00:01:19.079 --> 00:01:23.625
she tried to take the class before but she broke 
out in hives on the first day and was stuttering  

00:01:24.209 --> 00:01:32.133
leading her to drop the class she -- JESSE: I remember 
that. That was so intense you couldn't  

00:01:32.133 --> 00:01:42.185
form complete sentences, you're so overwhelmed. It 
was so crazy... AFTON: Yeah it was tough. It was not good.

00:01:46.856 --> 00:01:50.777
I think we should make a movie 
about this.  JESSE: About your ADHD?

00:02:13.383 --> 00:02:18.263
AFTON: Hey Jesse?  JESSE: Yes?   AFTON: Can you look at me?   JESSE: Let's see...

00:02:21.474 --> 00:02:35.947
Hi. Hi. Gotcha. JESSE: What's up?  AFTON: Can I come in?  JESSE: Yeah of 
course.   AFTON: I just want to um ask you what ADHD is?

00:02:41.703 --> 00:02:49.419
JESSE: Um...  AFTON: Clearly we knew nothing. I mean I have to say I 
was getting pretty good at researching disorders.  

00:02:49.419 --> 00:02:55.008
I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, 
rapid cycle bipolar, bipolar 2, fibromyalgia,  

00:02:55.008 --> 00:03:00.430
addiction disorders, premenstrual dysphoric 
disorder, insomnia, dyslexia, and near-sightedness.  

00:03:01.264 --> 00:03:05.393
Okay that last one has nothing to do with 
an ADHD diagnosis but it's still true so...  

00:03:06.352 --> 00:03:12.108
The more I read the more I realized these 
symptoms were ADHD or exacerbated by it.  

00:03:13.943 --> 00:03:18.698
Let me google it. Okay. I will I
will tell you exactly what it is.  

00:03:20.200 --> 00:03:28.041
ADHD um I wanna see more symptoms than just that 
people may experience aggression, excitability,  

00:03:28.041 --> 00:03:34.589
fidgeting, hyperactivity, impulsivity, irritability, 
lack of restraint, or persistent repetition of  

00:03:34.589 --> 00:03:40.595
words or actions, absent-mindedness, difficult 
focusing, forgetfulness, problem paying attention  

00:03:40.595 --> 00:03:45.099
or short attention span, anger, anxiety, 
boredom, excitement, or mood swings, jesus!,  

00:03:45.725 --> 00:03:53.233
and also common depression and learning 
disabilities. It's like the uh the the the  

00:03:53.233 --> 00:03:58.363
gift I got you for your uh for your birthday. 
And it says my mind is like someone emptied  

00:03:58.363 --> 00:04:03.743
the junk drawer onto a trampoline. I didn't 
know why they chose junk drawer like why...  

00:04:04.369 --> 00:04:11.501
Like but I guess it makes sense because it's just 
like all of this shit that's kind of random as f---  

00:04:12.835 --> 00:04:16.923
And then onto a trampoline so then 
obviously it's just bouncing around everywhere.  

00:04:16.923 --> 00:04:21.552
Is that what your brain feels like?  AFTON: Yes. JESSE: Does 
it always feel like that, does it never not?

00:04:23.888 --> 00:04:31.104
AFTON: No it always feels like that the difference 
is sometimes it feels so overwhelming that  

00:04:31.104 --> 00:04:36.025
my mind goes blank because I'm just 
like oh my god I can't get off I can't  

00:04:36.025 --> 00:04:42.115
get off the roller coaster of this and 
and then that's when I seem really slow  

00:04:42.907 --> 00:04:51.499
JESSE: Yeah. Wow, that seems like I actually understand 
then your exhaustion a little more like why...  

00:04:54.377 --> 00:05:03.553
that sounds exhausting is my point like exhausting. 
AFTON: I kept feeling like I was missing something  

00:05:03.553 --> 00:05:09.017
like why did nobody notice that my symptoms were 
ADHD? I thought that maybe I should go and chat  

00:05:09.017 --> 00:05:15.315
with the people that are normally responsible when 
someone's life totally falls apart... I mean it's  

00:05:15.315 --> 00:05:23.072
always the parents right? This is my mom Lynn and 
my dad Gerry. Did they notice that I was struggling?  

00:05:24.449 --> 00:05:31.581
I kind of figured there was no better day to ask 
what I was like growing up than on my birthday.  

00:05:32.665 --> 00:05:41.341
I remember as a kid feeling so so different and 
all i wanted was to be normal. Like did you think I  

00:05:41.341 --> 00:05:48.264
wasn't normal?  LYNN:  I think when dad and I were I never 
felt normal dad never felt normal so I don't think  

00:05:48.264 --> 00:05:54.103
we thought too much about you not feeling normal. 
GERRY: I mean you didn't act like some of the other kids  

00:05:55.021 --> 00:06:02.612
that they said oh this kid's got ADD 
and uh and they were all boys. LYNN: And because  

00:06:02.612 --> 00:06:06.908
in my family, and in dad's family, we 
have a lot of different mental disorders.  

00:06:07.658 --> 00:06:17.168
I just thought that that you had um you would get 
overwhelmed... GERRY: Oh well she's going through you know  

00:06:18.211 --> 00:06:26.219
puberty, you know, she's a sensitive child, she 
has difficulty deciding between things, she  

00:06:26.219 --> 00:06:33.226
gets anxious when she goes out, it never it never 
occurred to me that that's what we were dealing  

00:06:33.226 --> 00:06:44.612
with. And nothing really made any sense and they 
connected the dots, until your diagnosis with ADHD.  

00:06:45.947 --> 00:06:50.535
LYNN: Because I don't think they talked about that it 
was mostly kids that ran around and couldn't focus  

00:06:52.203 --> 00:06:58.543
AFTON: It really seemed like no one knew anything about 
girls and women with ADHD. Then, I found and read  

00:06:58.543 --> 00:07:05.466
this book. To say I was excited that Sari agreed 
to talk to me would be an understatement. She's  

00:07:05.466 --> 00:07:12.932
basically the rock star of experts on ADHD 
in women. So my next question is just how  

00:07:13.808 --> 00:07:20.106
ADHD looks different in in girls and women?  SARI: Right.
The majority of girls are not hyperactive, they're  

00:07:20.106 --> 00:07:26.112
not stereotypical, so they're not causing problems, 
they're not acting out, so no one's noticing them  

00:07:26.112 --> 00:07:30.992
and they're just quietly you know struggling. 
They internalize, they they feel more anxiety  

00:07:30.992 --> 00:07:35.788
depression or they're perfectionistic. They're often 
doing well in school, they're just hiding.  

00:07:35.788 --> 00:07:41.627
They're having an experience that nobody can help 
them understand and that nobody understands them.  

00:07:41.627 --> 00:07:47.967
AFTON: I mean I would have never thought that of all 
the problems that I've had I would have never  

00:07:47.967 --> 00:07:53.890
thought that I had ADHD, I barely even knew 
what it was.  SARI:  So the term ADHD has become so  

00:07:53.890 --> 00:07:59.479
you know stigmatized and stereotypical. It 
just means that you have function struggles  

00:08:00.188 --> 00:08:06.360
you know in these different ways, activation, or 
distractibility, or emotional regulation. They're  

00:08:06.360 --> 00:08:12.283
just descriptions of how your brain works or 
has trouble working. AFTON: Okay. This is what I gathered.  

00:08:13.075 --> 00:08:20.458
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that is 79 percent 
genetics and involves a deficiency in dopamine and  

00:08:20.458 --> 00:08:26.214
norepinephrine in the brain. This deficiency causes 
a lack of communication between all the different  

00:08:26.214 --> 00:08:30.301
areas of the brain which all have their own fancy 
names, but who has time for that because I have  

00:08:30.301 --> 00:08:38.518
ADHD and I can't stop looking at this hilarious 
cat in the duns cap. Anyway, think of the ADHD brain  

00:08:38.518 --> 00:08:44.440
like an orchestra. The musicians in all the 
different parts of the brain want to play together  

00:08:44.440 --> 00:08:51.072
and rely on the conductor to lead them. But if the 
conductor isn't paying attention and zones out,  

00:08:51.072 --> 00:08:57.328
the whole show falls apart, no one plays at the 
right time, and no one knows what they're doing.  

00:08:58.663 --> 00:09:02.833
This is why ADHD can frequently 
be treated with a stimulant.  

00:09:02.833 --> 00:09:08.673
The stimulant gets more neurotransmitters up to 
the conductor so she can do her job and make the  

00:09:08.673 --> 00:09:14.679
brain sound beautiful again. I had been trying 
everything for my symptoms. Fidget toys, timers,  

00:09:14.679 --> 00:09:21.727
exercise, but the first time i took Adderall 
I couldn't believe the difference. Is this  

00:09:21.727 --> 00:09:29.569
what other people feel like all the time? I could 
focus and do things that normally felt exhausting.  

00:09:30.695 --> 00:09:36.617
And I got some headaches and lost my 
appetite sometimes, but it's worth it...  

00:09:38.452 --> 00:09:45.626
right? Then I made the mistake of googling ADHD 
medication.  INTERNET: The ADD is not a thing. Fact. No  

00:09:45.626 --> 00:09:51.090
concrete physical evidence to prove that this is 
actually a thing. College crack. AHDH medicine  

00:09:51.090 --> 00:09:56.053
is a very small dose of meth in a pill. This 
isn't booze, this is meth. Why would anyone want  

00:09:56.053 --> 00:10:04.937
to put this in their body, in their body. My heart 
accelerates. AFTON: Hold on. I'm taking meth? Do other  

00:10:04.937 --> 00:10:10.860
people know that they're taking meth? I wanted to 
talk to someone with a little bit more experience.

00:10:10.860 --> 00:10:12.862
MIMI: Focus!

00:10:13.404 --> 00:10:18.826
AFTON: Mimi is talented and successful. I mean she 
designed the movie set she uses as her zoom  

00:10:18.826 --> 00:10:25.583
background. As i've been learning about ADHD, I 
especially am focusing in on all the negatives.  

00:10:25.583 --> 00:10:31.547
Okay well this is what needed to be fixed. This is 
why I needed to take medication. And I think even  

00:10:31.547 --> 00:10:38.304
as it helps me I go, oh well I guess I need to take 
this because I'm weak. Like I find myself thinking  

00:10:38.304 --> 00:10:43.643
those things. I don't know and maybe you can speak 
to this, that it just takes time to sort of not  

00:10:43.643 --> 00:10:50.691
feel guilty about it all anymore.  MIMI: I can remember 
going back to my psychologist friend and saying  

00:10:50.691 --> 00:11:01.577
to-- and saying to her, I-- I'm feeling really guilty. 
I mean this is a controlled substance. And she  

00:11:01.577 --> 00:11:09.335
said, oh nonsense. She said, if you had diabetes 
would you just not take insulin? And I went

00:11:11.796 --> 00:11:21.097
okay, what are you talking about? She said, 
if you had diabetes you would take your  

00:11:21.097 --> 00:11:25.810
insulin wouldn't you? And I said well sure! 
And she said, well your brain needs this too.

00:11:27.895 --> 00:11:29.980
And I went oh...

00:11:32.274 --> 00:11:37.571
She said, it may be a controlled 
substance for the United States,  

00:11:39.323 --> 00:11:49.583
and for the AMA, but for you it's a 
necessary substance.  AFTON:  right.  MIMI: And I said oh,

00:11:51.627 --> 00:11:58.217
your brain needs it.  AFTON: Yeah. Okay medication 
won't kill me. I've done my research.  

00:11:58.217 --> 00:12:03.556
I have the diagnosis. That means... I'm fixed....I'm fixed!

00:12:22.700 --> 00:12:31.584
I am really over these gardeners.

00:12:33.878 --> 00:12:34.920
And what's crazy...

00:12:37.465 --> 00:12:39.341
is that I can't focus.

00:12:41.969 --> 00:12:46.682
Too many thoughts going on in my head at the same 
time and then the gardeners in there gardening.

00:12:53.731 --> 00:12:58.194
Is everything always going to be too much? I don't 
think like I don't think all that Adderall in the  

00:12:58.194 --> 00:13:02.990
world is gonna change that feeling. I mean it's 
insane I can't even think right now because of the...

00:13:11.624 --> 00:13:15.336
this yeah and then it's like  

00:13:15.336 --> 00:13:22.134
it's so.... LYNN: Oh.  AFTON: Everything's so loud it's 
just very it's very it's very overwhelming.  

00:13:23.093 --> 00:13:31.727
Um it's like too much it's just too much 
stimulation I think.  LYNN: Yes. Yes, too much too fast.

00:13:35.898 --> 00:13:41.821
JESSE: I think you're at a low point still. I 
mean I don't yeah--  AFTON: What makes you say  

00:13:41.821 --> 00:13:46.617
that?  JESSE:  Because you're angry a lot. You're 
not like a very mad person normally  

00:13:48.035 --> 00:13:59.463
and you're pretty patient person and right 
now it just you seem, rightfully i think, angry

00:14:01.799 --> 00:14:04.343
at this thing that you have no control over.

00:14:06.679 --> 00:14:10.599
And you know I feel this way because 
we've talked about it a lot, but you're not...

00:14:13.894 --> 00:14:15.104
This has made you

00:14:17.147 --> 00:14:23.821
more insecure and lower your self-esteem. 
You're certainly not rejecting it I mean---  

00:14:24.905 --> 00:14:31.412
this is not this is not rejecting your ADHD. It 
might be a an interesting way of dealing with  

00:14:31.412 --> 00:14:40.504
it i don't know but this is... this is exhausting 
this whole this whole thing has been exhausting.   

00:14:42.131 --> 00:14:51.557
AFTON: What whole thing?  JESSE: Since you have found out 
and then decided to make a documentary about it.

00:14:57.479 --> 00:15:00.983
AFTON: I just feel like I don't know what the 
point is anymore. I don't know what the  

00:15:00.983 --> 00:15:08.908
point is of me doing this anymore. It feels 
like I'm just like running on a treadmill...

00:15:11.160 --> 00:15:13.412
and it's just like never ending.

00:15:15.706 --> 00:15:20.920
And I'm trying to remind myself I'm doing this for 
a reason. I'm doing this film for a reason. I want,  

00:15:21.879 --> 00:15:25.257
I want to show what this process is like.   

00:15:26.425 --> 00:15:30.679
I don't want other people-- I don't want 
other young women to have the same

00:15:32.848 --> 00:15:37.728
feelings as an adult, like the feelings of total  

00:15:39.563 --> 00:15:44.526
self-loathing.  SARI: Right from beginning there 
was a huge difference in the amount of  

00:15:44.526 --> 00:15:49.740
shame that the women felt. That where you're 
untangling this is who you are as a person  

00:15:49.740 --> 00:15:54.703
all these not just strengths but your core traits 
to make you who you are. And you really have to  

00:15:54.703 --> 00:16:01.001
go on two parallel paths, not make not measure 
yourself by your those difficulties. And when you  

00:16:01.001 --> 00:16:05.339
conflate all those, that's where you get the 
shame. And you know that's where your desk  

00:16:05.339 --> 00:16:11.637
my desk is messy becomes I'm a mess becomes 
I'm bad, which becomes I can't have power in  

00:16:11.637 --> 00:16:16.934
relationships, I can't do this in the world, I can't, 
you know, I have to withdraw. So the shame is I'm  

00:16:16.934 --> 00:16:22.606
bad versus like I have difficulties. The shame 
is actually the much harder thing than the ADD.

00:16:25.317 --> 00:16:31.865
AFTON: I just felt like we were always as a family 
especially we were always just trying like  

00:16:31.865 --> 00:16:41.709
everything--  LYNN: Yes.  AFTON: Everything to like fix it.  LYNN: Yeah because 
well the medical community couldn't seem to do  

00:16:41.709 --> 00:16:51.635
anything for you. So I wasn't sure that I wanted to 
at a young older teenage age or even teenager put  

00:16:51.635 --> 00:16:57.558
you into psychotherapy. You know I was very 
nervous about that because they frequently wanted  

00:16:57.558 --> 00:17:04.606
to drug you up. Over the years our viewpoint 
has changed, but during that time you know  

00:17:05.399 --> 00:17:12.448
we were very worried about you being so young 
and being on antidepressants, because when you're  

00:17:12.448 --> 00:17:18.912
a teenager that it can be a real problem. But 
nothing never helped 100 percent.  AFTON: No it didn't  

00:17:18.912 --> 00:17:26.211
help 100 percent because that was like right after I did 
that that was my suicide attempt.  LYNN: Right, right.  GERRY: Yeah...

00:17:28.922 --> 00:17:38.515
AFTON: The clearest memory I have of my suicide 
attempt is... looking up at my mother and the first  

00:17:38.515 --> 00:17:47.066
responders who were rolling my gurney that I had 
been laid on, out of the house into the ambulance.

00:17:50.110 --> 00:17:53.489
I remember opening my eyes 
and just looking at my mom  

00:17:53.489 --> 00:17:58.535
and saying i'm so fucking stupid 
I can't even kill myself right.

00:18:02.122 --> 00:18:09.088
It's tough because I just couldn't imagine 
living the rest of my life feeling um, I  

00:18:09.088 --> 00:18:14.676
don't know, like a disappointment to myself and 
everyone around me because my brain was broken.

00:18:18.347 --> 00:18:23.018
GERRY: Watching you go through that was 
just just heartbreaking for a parent.   

00:18:24.686 --> 00:18:29.733
LYNN: I think our immediate feeling was that we'd 
failed somehow how not to find this out  

00:18:29.733 --> 00:18:36.115
earlier.  GERRY: It's the first thing you think of is, it 
was my job to be a parent and protect my child  

00:18:36.115 --> 00:18:43.789
and to know what's going on and guiding help and 
all that. We didn't succeed in handling the  

00:18:43.789 --> 00:18:52.464
situation but we never gave up.  JESSE: How do you think 
things would have maybe been handled had you  

00:18:52.464 --> 00:18:58.303
known or how it affected you or--  AFTON: I constantly felt 
like a contradiction so, which i still feel like,  

00:18:59.096 --> 00:19:02.266
but I just know that there's a reason 
for it now and it's not a character flaw.  

00:19:02.850 --> 00:19:10.774
LYNN: Yes.  AFTON: That's the thing.  LYNN: That is the difference 
between a diagnosis and not a diagnosis is that  

00:19:11.483 --> 00:19:18.115
you can you can accept yourself, you know 
instead of thinking there's something really  

00:19:18.115 --> 00:19:24.037
wrong with you. Well there's something that 
is is a problem, but it doesn't mean there's  

00:19:24.037 --> 00:19:31.545
something wrong with you. Yes it's it's just 
another problem that you have to work around.

00:19:39.011 --> 00:19:42.514
JESSE: What do you think acceptance 
looks like for you? Like  

00:19:44.183 --> 00:19:52.024
five ten years from now I tell you no actually 
Afton like you really you really you handled it  

00:19:52.024 --> 00:19:59.573
you're handling it and and you're dealing 
with it really well. What does that look like?

00:20:07.956 --> 00:20:08.457
AFTON: Um...

00:20:12.836 --> 00:20:19.551
What do you think is the the biggest 
lesson you've learned?  LYNN: To like myself. To  

00:20:20.594 --> 00:20:26.183
find likable things about myself. 
SARI: Instead of trying to fix yourself  

00:20:26.183 --> 00:20:31.396
you could just certainly simply learn to 
be yourself.   MIMI: Think of it as a as a treasure.

00:20:34.274 --> 00:20:41.573
Think of it as something that is bringing value 
to the human race and take care of yourself. 

00:20:43.325 --> 00:20:49.498
GERRY: Having gone through what you have gone through. 
With the support that the people have given you  

00:20:49.498 --> 00:20:54.586
down the line and the lack of support 
that people have given you down the line,  

00:20:55.337 --> 00:21:09.559
is just momentous. Yeah.  AFTON: Thank you for supporting 
my weird brain.  GERRY: Ah maybe it takes one to know one.

00:21:09.726 --> 00:21:18.568
[singing "Happy Birthday"]

00:21:19.319 --> 00:21:23.573
LYNN: All right.  JESSE: Happy birthday LYNN: Make your wish 
AFTON: Okay I have to make a good wish.

00:21:41.633 --> 00:21:47.556
So we just got done at my parents and um

00:21:50.851 --> 00:21:58.108
I think I--I went into the day thinking that I 
was gonna like learn all of these things about  

00:21:58.984 --> 00:22:05.574
you know, why I wasn't diagnosed and 
somehow uncover some you know mysterious  

00:22:07.326 --> 00:22:13.165
secret as to uh they knew 
something that I didn't and

00:22:15.250 --> 00:22:22.507
I don't know. But I think the thing 
that I-I learned was just how much  

00:22:24.051 --> 00:22:29.264
love there is there and how 
much support there is there and

00:22:32.768 --> 00:22:34.853
I just kept wishing that everyone

00:22:36.938 --> 00:22:40.525
had the kind of love and support in my 
life that I have because I think it's  

00:22:40.525 --> 00:22:41.943
one of the reasons that I'm alive.

00:22:46.281 --> 00:22:53.789
JESSE: And I think not being ashamed is a huge 
step even though it's scary.  AFTON: Yeah.  JESSE: But  

00:22:53.789 --> 00:22:57.793
if you're not ashamed then maybe the next 
person won't be ashamed and then the next person.  

00:22:58.377 --> 00:23:06.301
And then someday the shame around it will 
actually be like I want to say like a super power  

00:23:06.301 --> 00:23:11.306
but there's an acknowledgement that thinking 
differently and brains working differently is  

00:23:11.306 --> 00:23:29.574
actually good. It's not just not bad, it's good you 
know. Anyway, I love you...uh can I get back to work?

00:23:33.245 --> 00:23:43.547
AFTON: I love you.  JESSE: Sorry it's so hard for us sometimes.  AFTON: It's okay.