WEBVTT

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[music]

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Why don\'t you tell me
what you\'re looking for.

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I want somebody who\'s ah, dorsey(ph)
and who\'s into exercise and

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that sort of thing. You\'re able
to make a selection by race,

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hair color, hair texture, eye color,
complexion, his height, his weight and

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his personality traits so why don\'t
we start? Uhm, probably blonde hair.

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Blonde, all right. Wavy. Wavy.

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Uhm, eye color, I think I like blue.
Blue eyes.

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At the bottom it\'s gonna tell us
how many ah, meet the criteria

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that you\'re looking for. Okay?

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Ah, as you can see here, he is a graduate
student and studying philosophy.

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His future goal opportunities are to
pursue his PhD and then eventually

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become a professor. He has dimples,
ah, he doesn\'t have a cleft chin.

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He\'s right-handed. He exercises regularly - That\'s
good. - has good teeth and he does not wear glasses,

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he\'s got normal hearing. So far what\'s your
(crosstalk) No but... no I\'m very pleased.

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No I... He\'s health is very nice. I just want to
bring to your attention that ah, the specimens

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ah, of this donor are available
in standard and pre-washed.

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[music]

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What you\'re about to

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see, ah, here you can have it, is the
shape of his face. Uh-huh. The eye set

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and he\'s got full lips. His
ears don\'t stick out too much

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and this allows you to ah, make I think
a really informed choice so that you

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really know what risk(ph) - Yeah. That I\'m getting
into. - that you\'re getting into. Yeah. Exactly.

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I\'m not kidding you.
More and more women are

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having babies and they\'re not married and they
don\'t wanna be and the men are not in their

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lives. They just have the kid because
they wanna have kids. It\'s a wonderful

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thing to have a child and
sometimes men can be (inaudible)

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so have the baby

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without the father. You\'re independent, strong
and self-confident, but your biological clock is

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ticking away and you have an overwhelming desire to have a
baby. It started(ph) off(ph) quite a debate on talk shows and

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offices and at the White House. The topic
was Dan Quayle\'s decision to condemn

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the morals of the television character,
Murphy Brown. A character who supposedly

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epitomizes today\'s intelligent, highly-paid
professional woman, mocking the

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importance of fathers by bearing a child
alone and calling it just another

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lifestyle choice. In Britain,
the aristocracy have always

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led wild lives, and had children all over the place
and done all sorts of extraordinary things. But

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that was just all right. But now that middle class
women like myself, you know, a professional,

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not earning mega bucks, but earning enough,
once we start doing it then it\'s like \"Oh

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my God\" you know, they... it\'s all getting
out of control, where will it end,

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what will happen, who will marry all these men
that aren\'t terribly attractive and aren\'t

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terribly bright and aren\'t terribly wonderful,
who will marry them? Because why would you?

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Why would you marry one of them if you didn\'t have to. I mean, why
would you if you could have your children and have a life. Having a

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child on your own is an implicit statement
that men are superfluous or unnecessary

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ah, as active fathers. We want
companions, we want soul mates,

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we want confidants, we want buddies,
we want lovers, we want ah,

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people to hang out with, to play with, go shopping
with, play dress-up with. Men weren\'t raised

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for that, not at all. We\'re looking for basically
girlfriends with penises. I like men. I

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think they\'re great. I\'d like to have a
special man in my life. But this is something

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that we can do that men cannot do. Yes,
we need to have sperm in order to have a

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baby. That\'s true, and male has to
supply the sperm, but other than

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that, we can do it all. There\'s
something frightening really and

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sad about watching parents,

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mothers place what is good for me ahead

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of what is good for a child.

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I think I first started thinking about having
a child probably about two years ago. I was

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uhm, 30 at the time and ah, I don\'t think age
at the time was a concern to me. I think

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it was secondary. I think I initially
was just wanting to have a child.

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I used to think maybe marriage was, was
what I wanted. That was my initial

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goal. But now that I\'m 32,
and I\'m not married, I,

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I reorganized my priorities. I don\'t
necessarily think that it should be chil...

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Always children first, marriage second. But in
my situation, that\'s where I\'m at and that\'s

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the choice. I believe that I, I would be a
good mother as a single parent whether I...

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Whether there was a man at my side or not. Also
there are just some women that I think ah, choose

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that ah, they don\'t wanna have a man around, you
know, they wanna be an old maid or whatever. But ah,

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that\'s their business of course.
It isn\'t everybody I guess is ah,

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suitable for marriage. I think women
today are very independent, too.

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And a lot of them have good jobs. They don\'t
need a husband to tell them what to do. They can

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come and go as they like and still have a
child. And I think that\'s the way that they

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are today more so than in my day.
I mean, it was unheard of, eh.

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I, ah, I wasn\'t anxious to get married. I think
we got married last(ph) right? Don\'t say

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that like as if I proposed to you. No. No, no, I mean
that ah... That was terrible. No. I mean, I wasn\'t ah,

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in any rush to get married. But that way, that I just
had a good time. I think there\'s a lot more factors

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today than there was years ago. A lot more.
You think so? Indeed I do.

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But Lea has never had too much luck don\'t(ph) she?
Yeah. She said men that she\'s gone out with, you know,

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they don\'t ah, seem to appeal for marrying.
She said all men wants just one

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thing, you know. I said, what\'s wrong with that, you
know. If I was married and I wasn\'t in a good marriage

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and I had a child, that child would
be affected by that marriage.

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And, and I, I don\'t see the difference in me
trying to raise a child on my own. I don\'t see the

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negative effects of me raising a child
on my own. To Sarah and Joey(ph). Sarah,

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S-A-A... S-A-R-A-H and Joey(ph) (inaudible)

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Single Mothers

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by Choice became officially ah, incorporated
as a non-profit organization in

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1981. Since \'81 we\'ve grown
to have over 20 chapters

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in the U.S. and three in Canada as well.
What I\'ve learned in

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doing the research for the book is that
between 1980 and 1990, the birth rate

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for women in their 30s who are single
and who hold managerial or professional

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type jobs has nearly tripled. So it is a
staggering increase. I had done personally,

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I had, you know, done blind dates with people,
you know, friends, family setting me up and

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I just said if at 38 I hadn\'t met somebody
who I wanna be with then I\'m starting the

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procedure of donor insemination and
I\'m packing in dating for a while.

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Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday

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to you. Happy birthday to Rebecca. Happy birthday to you.
It just seem that one minute I was about 28 and still

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happy being single and then the next minute I woke up and
I was gonna be 38 and then I didn\'t know where the time

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went. Make a wish. I\'m not gonna tell you
what it is. Then don\'t tell them (inaudible)

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Yey! Good luck.

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I\'ve always want to have children and I
came from a huge family so I used to

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uhm, organize the other kids in my family
and put on plays and, and I always

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wanted to be a teacher and always want
to have children. I\'ve always love kids.

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And so now all of a sudden I
find myself in my late 30s

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and not married and I haven\'t got any
children and I... definitely that\'s a

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part of life I don\'t wanna miss out on. I think
what happened to women is, is that, that

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they\'ve changed their role faster than men
have. This has been my, my stance(ph) on

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feminism from the word girl.
That women cnanot have freedom

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or emancipation unless they bring
the men with them. So (inaudible)

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want to change the

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female culture which is what feminism has been very busily
doing. But if you went in all the blocks, all they\'re

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going to do is sitting on the sidelines and be a, a
dead weight round your ankles to pull you back or hard

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works that you\'re pulling with you. There\'s
always the tendency to blame women for whatever

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the problem is. So one theory would
have to be that... or the reason so many

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women don\'t find the \"right man\" is because we
expect too much. If we would only lower our

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expectations. The fact is that women
expect equality today and when they don\'t

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find it then they\'d prefer not to dance.
Well, done with

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the bachelorette(ph)

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[music]

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Well, I don\'t find anyone that exciting that I meet. I
just don\'t seem to meet anyone I... that makes my heart

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jump over. (inaudible)

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together? I know your brother. No.
Boris(ph). Boris(ph), I used to know him.

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No... what is your name? Rebecca. Rebecca? Yeah. I
used to go out with(ph) him(ph). I should have been

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thinking when I was in my mid-20s because I think that\'s when a lot of the good guys got snuck
up. Rob, I know your cousin Rob. And you look bold(ph), I\'m sure they went out with you.

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I had a horrible date a while ago. We went

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to a hockey game and after the hockey game we went
out for a cup of tea. And while I was sitting there

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he said that if he wants to get laid,
that\'s he\'s exact words, he phones a hooker

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because it only costs $150 and he
if take a girl for dinner it\'s $100

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then if he go for drinks and
dancing, it\'s another $50 and ah,

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then you have to call him on Christmas and
say Merry Christmas. So this is our date

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so then I asked him to take me home which he did.
At which time he told me about this orgy that

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he was planning and I was so disgusted by the time I
got home. That was the night that I said to myself

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if I ever have a screaming baby that\'s
driving me crazy, just remember being out

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there dating and what a bunch of sort of shallow
people there are out there. And that\'s why I\'m very

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happy with my decision to go ahead with this baby...
absolutely for nothing. 1500, would I get 2,000?

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I got 1,500, would I get 2,000-dollar bid?
1,500 (inaudible)

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$2,000 once. 2000 (inaudible)

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2,000, 2,500 in the back... I don\'t think
it\'s gonna be easy to find a father for

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this baby. I don\'t think
it\'s gonna be easy at all.

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[music]

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Initially when I thought about wanting to

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have a child, I thought about what
route I would take. I had a couple of

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serious possibilities for
donors and ah, once I had

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spoken with doctors about that, that didn\'t seem to be the
route to go. So I tried to find as much information I had

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about artificial insemination. For example

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each and every semen specimen
undergoes a minimum of

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180 days of quarantine. That\'s the minimum.
The test for the quarantine...

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When you\'re actually, you\'re in the doctor\'s office and you\'re discussing
it, there\'s kind of an excitement, you have a million questions. Then you

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get home and it really sort of settles in you\'d think
What am I doing? What made you decide to go to the donor

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insemination route? My big concern as I said was the
AIDS and so forth but I also like the idea that the

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donor doesn\'t know who I am and there\'s no way that
they could come back for custody or anything like

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that. That\'s also a concern to me. Yeah. Absolutely.
When the donors enter into the program they sign a

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contract stating that they will not try to
seek the identity of the recipient - Uh-hmm.

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- or the offspring. You have to really trust that the
information that the bank is giving you is valid, that

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the donor\'s medical history is what he
says it is. I mean, you have to go in

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with an implicit faith and trust in that.
Otherwise, you know, you can\'t do it.

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I know a lot of women who were like, \"Well, how do you know they\'re
telling the truth or how do you know you really have the donor

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you know, sperm that you asked for?\" You
have to have a certain amount of trust then

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just go with it. However, you fully understand
that neither the donor nor Dr. del Valle

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or his designate can be held responsible
for the physical or mental characteristics

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of any child or children so produced.
And this is not applicable

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since you\'re... you are single - Uh-hmm.
- and there\'s not a spouse.

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And I\'ll have you sign here - Okay. - on the top
line. Well, the nurse behind the counter said,

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\"How would you like to pay for this?\" And I said, \"Oh, well, do you take
credit cards?\" \"Yes, we do.\" \"Well, I\'ll pay with the VISA.\" And I\'m

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fin... I\'m putting the VISA thinking I\'m buying
my child. This is like something out of the Bible

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only with plastic. Okay. Okay.

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I\'ll just ah, sign... Now,
so I can give you a call?

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What, what\'s my next move then? Do I
just call you... So I came home and I

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was afraid even after I\'d set the appointment.
I was excited but I was nervous. You\'ll

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call me - Uh-hmm. - when you start your period. Okay.
I will be able to proceed in your next cycle. Great.

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[music]

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People have asked me, \"Did you
get pregnant on purpose?\"

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And I\'ve said, \"Consciously, no.
Unconsciously,

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I would say yes.\" I was taking risk that
I\'ve never took in my life with making

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love. In the last few relationships
I had mentioned to the person I was

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involved with, right at the very beginning, I
want you to know that if I do become pregnant

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that I will not be having an abortion, you
know, that I will be keeping the baby and

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doing this. And that that for me was really clear
regardless of what happened in the relationship.

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I remember when I found out I was pregnant
that from the first second that I

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knew that I was pregnant, when I did the
test, that it was right. Yes, I\'m pregnant

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and no I\'m having a baby. That was the

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difference. That was the difference. And I said well,
okay now I need to tell mom. And I thought she\'d be

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okay with it. I thought she\'s been through
a lot. She has six children and I

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phoned my mother up. It was a dinner party and
uhm, I, I was sort of not hearing her very

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well. And I said uhm, \"I\'ve got some news. Are you sitting down?\"
And she sort of said, \"No, I don\'t need to sit down. Well,

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you know what? What?\" And I said, \"I\'m having a
baby.\" And I said, \"You\'re pregnant?\" And she

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said, \"Yes.\" And she sort of there was a silence.
Now this is most unusual for Anne because Anne

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talks. And then she said, Mom what,
what... \"Mom what do you feel?\" And

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the first words out of
her mouth, (inaudible)

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thinking about this was,

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\"Wonderful, I am so glad that you were
doing this.\" And I just sort of went,

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\"Oh, I wasn\'t expecting that.\"
Anne is a wonderful person,

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giving, caring, ah, strong woman,
and she will do a wonderful

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job. I know, I know she will. My
brother-in-law was the only one who

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made a comment when I told my sister. I phoned
long distance in England and she was going

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\"wonderful, wonderful\" and he didn\'t know what she was saying
wonderful about and she said \"What?\" And she\'s... and Liz(ph)

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said, \"Anne\'s having a baby.\" And like he\'s
Hungarian and in the background(ph), \"Vat about the

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vaddy?\"

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[music]

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Christopher(ph)... Hi there. How was your
weekend? It\'s good. At the beach. Yeah?

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I can see man, you\'re glowing.
Yeah (inaudible)

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It worked? In some ways. (inaudible)

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My turn next week.

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Okay. Thanks a lot. No problem. It\'s
something with a plot(ph). Thanks man(ph).

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[music]

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Every Saturday morning I
wake up, and the first

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thing I do when I wake up is I read the GoldMail and
in the GoldMail every Saturday I always have these

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very interesting ads. And I always read the Personal
Companions because I\'m looking for a personal

00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:44.999
companion and then I got the idea
well, maybe I could put an ad in.

00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:49.999
But I didn\'t wanna put it on the companions
because to me the main the thing is having

00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:54.999
a baby right now. I\'ve you know, wanted a companion
for a long time and haven\'t found one so

00:17:55.000 --> 00:17:59.999
I thought okay, now it\'s the baby thing
so I put it under miscellaneous. So uhm,

00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:04.999
anyway, it goes all over Canada and maybe
somewhere there\'s somebody like me

00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:09.999
that\'s going to read it and think, hey, this
is what I want too and maybe we can help

00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:14.999
each other out.

00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:19.999
[sil.] The very first time
I had the insemination,

00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:24.999
I felt sort of dirty almost. I
wondered what was I doing. I

00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:29.999
really questioned it because I was afraid.
Ah, I still had that fear of uhm,

00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:34.999
you know, did they do everything right.
What, what did they actually inject in me?

00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:39.999
This is great to have thought about it, and this is great to be
so strong and so sure of what you wanna do. But when you actually

00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:44.999
get in there and you do it then I really started
to think, you know, am I willing to go through

00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:49.999
this again and again. So what day of the

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:54.999
cycle is today? Ah, fifteenth.
Fifteenth? Yeah.

00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:59.999
Okay. If you\'re so kind to bring your
legs out a little bit. Just spread them

00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.999
apart and I\'m just going to (inaudible)

00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:09.999
here.

00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:14.999
Okay. We\'re looking at the
lining of the uterus now

00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:19.999
to measure the thickness of the, of the
lining. And I mean, with this size of the

00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.999
follicle, I think that we\'re fully going
to proceed to insemination. Okay. Okay?

00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:33.000
[music]

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.999
When I first started
coming ah, I was obviously

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.999
curious as to what the payment scale was. And
I was actually surprised to see how much ah,

00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:14.999
I mean sort of ransom. But
ah, it\'s $50 a donation.

00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:19.999
And they allow you to come
in ah, maximum twice a week.

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
But you\'re talking at the
end of the month, ah, $400

00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:29.999
which, you know, for doing something that
did... as an adolescent would come very

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.999
naturally and you wouldn\'t
get paid a dime for.

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:39.999
[sil.] Okay(ph).

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.999
Sorry. Okay. You want to spread
a little bit more? Okay.

00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:49.999
The cost for an insemination is $500

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
ah, for two inseminations in a cycle. So
you would get ah, two inseminations, ah,

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
over a two-day period. One a day. To
my own budget, it\'s, it\'s been tight.

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
Now, we\'re just going to, going to put
the speculum now. The humiliating part

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
about the whole insemination is your, your legs
are in the stirrups and the doctor is sitting

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
right there. His face is three inches
away from your private part. Okay? Yup.

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
All right. And part of me
wonders too what did they

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
think? They don\'t appear to be judging you and
maybe they\'re not. But I mean, even I judge

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
myself while I\'m doing it so how can he not wonder
why I\'m going through with this. How are you feeling

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
about the ah, the insemination?
Positive? Positive. Good.

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:38.000
[sil.] Okay. (inaudible)

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
Okay. We\'re all set in(ph).
So just like we normally do,

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
take some nice deep breath... I
think that Lea has chosen the

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
way of doing it is, is a safe way. Ah,
let\'s face it, it\'s pretty dangerous

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
going out running around with every Tom,
Dick and Harry. And ah, with the, the

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
AIDS and all that, and ah, you know, this
is well-tested, background of her fam...

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
Of a family, the husband, I think right
back to the grandparents, it\'s ah,

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
it\'s tested for what they\'ve...
Sickness they\'ve had, diseases,

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
etcetera. Uhm, she\'s been kidded
a few times. I\'m sure you,

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:21.000
had realize (inaudible)

00:22:21.001 --> 00:22:24.999
these guys would do it for free, you know,
you wouldn\'t have to pay this big fee,

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
you know. Ah, ah, I don\'t know(ph).

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
We\'re just almost finishing. Okay. Okay. Are
you feeling all right? I was concerned of both

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
who the donor was, that sort of
subtle little fear in me as well.

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
Who\'s really going to be
the father of this child.

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:53.000
[music]

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
I described myself on the donor info sheet.

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
I think it\'s somebody who
is ah, caring, patient, ah,

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
I like sunsets, I like picnicking
and hopefully someday I will

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
write plays and, and novels.
Uhm, it would be a real

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
kick to have a child show up who
says, hey, you know, I didn\'t

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
know who you were when I
read your book. Having

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
strange kids out there
that you will never know

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
is, is an odd thing. In a way it\'s
almost an ego gratification or

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
saying there are little me\'s you know, I\'ve fathered a
little empire perhaps out there. There is all these little

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
carbon copies or at least there\'s all
these little genetic carry-overs of

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
my family out there. I used to
wonder when their birthdays were and

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
wanted to put them on the calendar so at least I
could toast it, you know, Baby X, happy birthday.

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
My wife was ah, in on the whole thing with me as well
from the beginning. She thought it was kind of a

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
funny way to make extra cash. But
she was into it. She thought, ah,

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
you know, why not. And we\'re having a child of our own but there
will be other people out there that have my children and she

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
actually thought it was kind
of an interesting concept.

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:23.000
[music] It\'s a very competitive

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
business if you, if your livelihood depends on it.
Our prices are reasonable and we are able to ship

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
anywhere in the country. Most of the physicians
that use us use us because of our quality semen. We

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
guarantee the minimum of 25
million total model cells.

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
We like the CryoValve(ph) we feel that they\'re better.
To me a straw is better than a valve because it\'s ready

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
to use. The color that you see
here represents ah, a color

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
coding we use for major racial or
ethnic ah, groupings. We have a

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
ah, 86% pregnancy rate with our donor\'s semen
specimen in six cycles of insemination.

00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
We use white for Caucasian donors.
Pregnancy occurs by

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
83% within the first three cycles. Black
for African or Afro-American donors.

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
We will accept any type of credit card,
VISA or Master Charge. Yellow for

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
ah, Asian or Indo(ph) donors. Money
order or just COD. And we use the red

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
for ah, ethnic minorities
and miscellaneous groups.

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
Rub it between your hands, in two or three minutes it\'s
completely thawed(ph) cut the tip off, she\'s ready to

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
be inseminated. Our donors, unlike maybe out
of the sperm bank, are compensated by ah,

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
their productivity level. If he gives us ah,
Cytex(ph) 30 which guarantees 30 million

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
model sperm we\'ll pay him $30. $20
being the minimum. If he is a blue

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
line which guarantees 50 million
model sperm, we\'ll pay him $50. $110

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
per ejaculate being the maximum. That\'s when
we get about ten vials per ejaculate. But

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
they\'re rare. We have really not approached
it from a commercialization standpoint.

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
I mean, I think the people that operate the sperm bank
should be like the guys who operate peepshows and

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.999
kinda red light district businesses,
you know. I don\'t think

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.999
they should be like, you know, happy,
pink-faced guys in suits, you know, who\'s

00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.999
proud of their product. I don\'t... I think they ought
to be kinda skulk around and be ashamed about the whole

00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:34.999
thing but they\'re not. We\'re the only
sperm bank that knows the IQ of the

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
donors. And I might add that almost
all of our donors have IQs in excess

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
of 130. That\'s very a
respectable intelligence rate.

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
Among our methods of
recruiting germinal donors

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
is to go through the publications and
at least the various professions

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
and such things as Who\'s Who and so forth.
Here\'s a good

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
example. We\'ve gone through several
pages and not found anybody that

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
qualified. But here we found one.
And this is... and the reason

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
we singled him out is because
he has all the other requisites

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
and he also has an AB cum
laude, Harvard University.

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
And this is important to us because
IQ like good health is highly

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
inheritable.

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
We send them a form letter and a
few of them responds favorably.

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
No one donor stands out in my mind who

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
render(ph) a consolation(ph)
of superb men. I have

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
a group of men who are very young,

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
very tall, magnificently built,
they\'re over 200-pounders,

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
very extremely accomplished,

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
they\'re very handsome. These are supermen.

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
Our problem is to find enough
outstanding donor. And that\'s

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
not easy. It\'s a rigorous hunting

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
problem. There\'s a social phenomenon.
I find this whole issue

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
of uhm, sperm banks just to be uhm,

00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
both frightening and
honestly just repulsive.

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
It\'s repulsive ah, trafficking in this

00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:39.999
product of radically fatherless children.
You wish you had a daddy, sweetheart?

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.999
I want my bogicoligal... I
want my biological daddy.

00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:49.999
You want your biological daddy? I
want my biological... what\'s his na...

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
What\'s his, what\'s his... what do you call

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
him again? You call him your biological
daddy. My bigicolo... logical

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.999
daddy? Uh-hmm. Biological

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:09.999
daddy? Yes, that\'s what he is because
he gave his seed for me to have

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
you and a doctor put it inside my womb and
then you came. But we don\'t know who he

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:19.999
is. That was part of my deal with the
doctor. You know, the queen bee flies up

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.999
into the heavens and all the
little drones fly after her, the

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.999
males whose only job is to mate with her.
The one male who reaches her implants his

00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.999
genitals in her ah, and then falls
to earth. But she has them and

00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:39.999
possesses them and then can ah,
produce little baby bees throughout

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.999
the whole hive. So there may be something
of a queen bee fantasy involved in thinking

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
that all right, you have the technology now
to produce a child of your own, but do

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
you have the emotional and spiritual
qualities completely in and of yourself

00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
to ah, rear that child.

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
[sil.] I would never go for anonymous

00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
insemination and like just go to a sperm bank.
I, I just don\'t think that\'s fair to the

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.999
child at all. I wouldn\'t... I would rather not
ever have a baby than do that. I just really

00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.999
am against that. I\'d like my child
to know who the father was.

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.999
[sil.]

00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
Twenty-four letters I received
and I wasn\'t even expecting

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:34.999
any at all. This is unreal. There\'s this one
guy, he\'s a doctor and he even sends me a chart

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:39.999
of his chromosomes for heaven\'s sake.

00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.999
Oh God. Anyway, \"I wish you all the best
in your endeavors to get the best genetic

00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.999
set up for your future
child.\" I think I know him.

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.999
Oh they\'re funny. Very, very.

00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:59.999
[sil.]

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.999
I do recognize him. Oh that stuff.
I just spoke to him like

00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:09.999
last week. Isn\'t that the
funniest, funniest, funniest,

00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:11.000
funniest thing that you\'ve ever heard.
(inaudible)

00:31:11.001 --> 00:31:14.999
would send pictures. Well, here,

00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:19.999
maybe there is one. And you
can\'t see this, it\'s for me.

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.999
I don\'t think so. Write me as your

00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.999
penpal and I will phone you from a payphone.
Okay. married. All right. \"It would be cheaper

00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.999
if you could have two more of your lady friends
come up to Thunder Bay.\" I don\'t think so.

00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:39.999
\"All having the same donater(ph) would
be very interesting.\" Unbelievable.

00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:44.999
Get rid of that baby. Oh, unreal.
I mean, this is brrmm.

00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:49.999
And then I got one from a guy who obviously
wants to have a lot of sex and I\'ve

00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:54.999
figured out that he\'s only hunting(ph) for sexmate.
An Italian, hmm, I love Italian. And he\'s tried

00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:59.999
the traditional route, it didn\'t work out. He\'s
tired of waiting for the right woman. Hey,

00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.999
he\'s gonna take a non-traditional approach.
This is incredible. He

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.999
sounds just like my kind of guy. Good grammar,
you gotta have good grammar. Fantastic.

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:14.999
Well, where is the picture? For
goodness\' sakes there\'s no picture.

00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:19.999
He says, \"Obviously you have a strong desire to become
a mother as much as I have to become a father, but by

00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:24.999
being parents, the best interest of the child should be
our top priority. After all, we aren\'t talking about

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:29.999
buying a consumer good but rather we want to bring a
human being into the world. What I\'m trying to say is

00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:34.999
that visitation rights for me are a must. We are not looking
for a relationship but to raise an emotionally healthy child,

00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:39.999
we should become good friends.\" I
think he\'s very interesting that men

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:44.999
feel the same way that I do that they want to
have babies. I, I thought that it was more like a

00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:49.999
female urge, a very natural
biological urge to reproduce.

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.999
I thought men just wanted to have sex.
But it turns out that they like being

00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:59.999
fathers. Wow(ph). Like can you feel where he\'s hand(ph) is
lying? Probably not at this month(ph) yet. He\'s too little?

00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:04.999
He\'s still too little. Although that right
there I just felt something that felt like a

00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:09.999
limb. Uhm, I don\'t know if you can feel right
there. Yes. Yeah. Can you feel that? Here.

00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:14.999
Oh, hello sweetie. Here. Oh, oh yeah.
I lost contact

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:19.999
with my father for a number of reasons
when I was a little girl and I did see him

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.999
again but not for quite a few years
and that was very hard for me

00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.999
not having that. I had a stepfather
who was wonderful but I would

00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:34.999
never ever say to my son, I\'m having a boy,

00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:39.999
you cannot see your father or I would
never say to the father you may not

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:44.999
see your son. I just wouldn\'t do that. We
have here both your heartbeat and the baby\'s.

00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:48.999
That\'s yours, the slow one. (inaudible)

00:33:49.000 --> 00:33:50.000
Wow.

00:33:50.001 --> 00:33:54.999
And I\'m totally open to
him having his access

00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:59.999
or having health knowledge or anything of
importance. But this child went to one parent,

00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:04.999
I mean, at the moment he does and I want legal
custody. I don\'t want there\'ll be any discussion

00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:09.999
around that. I don\'t think I was robbing
him of the potential to be a father.

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:14.999
I think if a man doesn\'t wear a
condom sperm is fair game. For me

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:19.999
it was a very quick in and out.
I got what I wanted and

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.999
that was that. I do have to admit I\'m
constantly concerned that the man whose sperm I

00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.999
used will appear someday and
demand total access to my daughter

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:34.999
and I realize that\'s very selfish on my part
but if and when that happens, I\'ll have to

00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:39.999
deal with it. The father has every right
whether he\'s married to you or not

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.999
if he is identifiable as the
father of the child. So you

00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:49.999
can be asked to share custody.
You\'re potentially

00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.999
open to a custody suit or battle.

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.999
I had felt that ah, at least being a single
mother by choice, Arianna would never

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.999
have to suffer through some kind of a horrible custody
battle. I felt that at least I could provide her

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.999
with that kind of security and I just never thought
that ah, she and I were going to be thrown to such

00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:14.999
horrible havoc. I was in a
long-term relationship ah,

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.999
with ah, a man who, ah,
was somebody who really

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.999
was not at all interested in any kind of commitment,
marriage, having children. It was pretty

00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:29.999
obvious to both of us that our relationship
was ending probably because of this issue,

00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:34.999
because he simply wanted to be totally
free and uncommitted and I really

00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:39.999
wanted to have a child and
ah, we began discussing his

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:44.999
helping me basically impregnating
me, and he finally decided that

00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:49.999
it was okay to try to father a child but he
want to protect himself and be absolutely

00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:54.999
sure that he wasn\'t going to be called
upon to have any kind of commitment or

00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:59.999
financial ah, relationship. But
there was always a feeling

00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.999
ah, kind of an ominous feeling
that ah, at some point

00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:09.999
he would try to obtain more visitation
than we had originally agreed upon.

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:14.999
And ah, true enough that\'s what happened.
I think he began to look at

00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:19.999
his beautiful young daughter as someone
who he wanted much more time with. It was

00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:24.999
really scary because one day I was okay and
then he started bringing up stuff about

00:36:25.000 --> 00:36:29.999
taking me for longer and how some
very big people were gonna talk to

00:36:30.000 --> 00:36:34.999
my mom and make her give
me to him, I think at

00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:39.999
Christmas, on my birthdays, on...
And for me to stay for weekends.

00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:44.999
So then I came home and I told mommy so I felt
really strange because one day everything

00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:49.999
was okay and then the next
day court papers arrived and

00:36:50.000 --> 00:36:54.999
just lawyers, mommy had to
hire a lawyer and there was a

00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:59.999
custody battle just like overnight.
Yeah. And ah, when I\'m court it

00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.999
was absolutely ah, you know, character assassination
was brought up in the court is that ah,

00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:09.999
I\'m an unfit mother, uhm, I hate men, I\'ve

00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:14.999
even gone to the length of having
another child by artificial

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.999
insemination. I was depicted
as a loon(ph), as a weirdo ah,

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:24.999
as lawyers tend to, to depict these
kinds of things. I was feeling

00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:29.999
really upset and really mad at him. I mean, I
don\'t think I even felt any bit of love for him

00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:34.999
during that period. And it\'s only been

00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:39.999
maybe six months now since everything
has been comfortable and back

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:44.999
to normal. The agreement was made
by her father and I outside of

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.999
court ah, basically restoring
the previous situation.

00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:54.999
Considering all the options, I decided
through donor insemination coz it felt

00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:59.999
more free, foolproof, there
would be no legal problems

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.999
with it. Uhm, although since I\'ve
done it, sometimes, sometimes

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.999
I... you know, I feel a little bit bad that he\'ll
never know who his father will be but le...

00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:14.999
For legal reasons I think
it was the best decision.

00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:19.999
I was so traumatized by the custody

00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:24.999
suit. I just didn\'t wanna go through
that again and I just really felt that

00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.999
having a second baby by ah, donor
insemination was a ah, cleaner,

00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:34.999
more predictable way of doing it. Jason

00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:39.999
knows that he doesn\'t have a father and ah,
yes, of course it will have an impact.

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.999
He invented this extraordinarily
dramatic fantasy

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:49.999
about his father being a
cowboy out in the old west and

00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.999
uhm, he was somehow ah,
caught in a landslide

00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:59.999
and ah, a hurricane and
ah, struck by lightning

00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.999
and ah, was somehow ran
over by this locomotive

00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.999
and ah, he died in a
horribly gruesome dramatic

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:14.999
ah, kind of ah, situation. And all
the children, I was told by the

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:19.999
teacher, was just sad in awe with their mouths
open, a couple of little girls started crying and

00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:24.999
they put their arms around Jason and said, \"Oh, you
poor, poor boy.\" And they never asked him about his

00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.999
father again. So he ah, just
instinctively knew how to

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.999
silence questions and protect himself from
feeling self-conscious and upset about things.

00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:39.999
I always reinforce his
feelings if he\'s upset.

00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:44.999
I want my biological daddy. I always say, I know you
do and it\'s hard, it\'s hard not to have a daddy.

00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:49.999
But this is what our family is and over
time he\'ll learn to live with it. Do

00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:54.999
not try to pretty it up. I think without
question the biggest concern for most single

00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.999
mother\'s by choice is how they\'re gonna handle
the daddy questions. And I do workshops,

00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.999
I go all over the country helping the women to
come to terms with their own feelings about the

00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:09.999
situation... try to get comfortable with it. A lot
of people say, the first time their child ask they

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.999
feel a stab in their heart. Like, oh
my goodness this child really wants to

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:19.999
know and really doesn\'t have a father. And
here\'s the reality of the child asking

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:24.999
when the child may just be asking like do we
have a dishwasher or do we have ah, you know,

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.999
ah, a horse or pony and the, the question
is just as a matter of fact is that.

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:34.999
In the case of donor insemination which is how I had my
daughter, I haven\'t been thinking through how to portray

00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:39.999
that. Did you have a profile? Yeah, a little
bit. Yeah? Yeah. Coz the children... some

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.999
children may not care, but some children may
be interested to know whatever you do know.

00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:49.999
I know one woman who has everything including
the parking stub from the parking lot

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:54.999
of the sperm bank that she went to. And the
doctor\'s pictures and the form, copies of

00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.999
the forms and uhm, you know, she has
a scrapbook that her child goes

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.999
through periodically. And it means
a lot to the child, you know.

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:10.000
[music]

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.999
As a therapist, I can tell you that
having a good foundation means

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.999
having a parent who really loves you,
really gives you a sense of being wanted

00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:29.999
and valuable and who respects
you as a human being.

00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:34.999
There\'s nowhere in that equation
that there have to be two

00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:39.999
physical bodies one male and one female
to make those particular characteristics

00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.999
happen.

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:49.999
[sil.]

00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:54.999
You know people ask me do I have a good
support group and immediately I think of

00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:59.999
my family. I think oh, God, you know, yes.
Instant dinner.

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.999
Yeah. Where\'s Devon(ph). Where\'s Devon(ph)
mommy? Where... where\'s Devon(ph)

00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.999
Lily? You know where he is. Where is he?
He\'s in here. What does Lily do when

00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.999
she comes to visit? You know what she does? She comes in
and she says... she... first of all, she wants my clothes

00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:16.000
off coz she wants to touch
the tummy (inaudible)

00:42:16.001 --> 00:42:19.999
she fits her head on either side,
she comes really close and

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.999
she kisses it. And then what do we do?
We feel if Devon(ph) is kicking. I wanna

00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:29.960
go come and see. You wanna come and see him? Wanna go see him?
Come and see Devon(ph). Sweetheart can you kindly (inaudible)

00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:31.999
I don\'t know is he\'s kicking. I
think he\'s sleeping. (inaudible)

00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:34.999
Let\'s see, if you

00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:36.999
put your hands here (crosstalk)(inaudible)

00:42:37.000 --> 00:42:39.999
He\'s kicking. Is he kicking? He\'s

00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.999
sleeping darling. He\'s getting big. Oh, it\'s a
little kiss for Devon(ph). Oh, he likes that.

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:49.999
When she told me I was like \"Great, you\'re gonna
have a baby.\" I don\'t know our family, you

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:54.999
know, is pretty unconventional on the whole
so there\'s nothing really sort of surprise us

00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:57.999
anymore. We\'re very untraditional. We are
not the traditional family. (inaudible)

00:42:58.000 --> 00:42:59.999
beat her

00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:04.999
on the butt. Oh my god (crosstalk) My older brother...
My older brother has been married four times. Yes.

00:43:05.000 --> 00:43:09.999
Uhm, I\'m gay. Ah, Pip(ph) is a
single mother. I got multi-racial

00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:14.999
adopted younger sisters. Yeah. Ah, the six kids, we
come from four different sets of parents. Yeah. So

00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:19.999
really it\'s, you know, what\'s
single mother? Yes, so? You know.

00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:22.040
You know, can\'t you do
better than that (inaudible)

00:43:25.000 --> 00:43:29.999
What\'s so great about what\'s happening is
that the, the concept of family is just

00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:34.999
being blown wide open so that it\'s
really, you know, family is basically

00:43:35.000 --> 00:43:39.999
just any kind of, you know, group
of people who love each other.

00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:44.999
[music] It\'s now been seven months

00:43:45.000 --> 00:43:49.999
since the first insemination. I think when
I first started it I wanted to, to uhm,

00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:54.999
get pregnant right away because part of it was I
didn\'t wanna lose my courage for what I was doing.

00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:59.999
And once I knew I was pregnant then I knew that that would
have been the right thing to do because if God didn\'t think,

00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.999
you know, that I should be a single mother on my own, then I\'d never
get pregnant. So maybe He\'s really questioning it now coz it\'s

00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:09.999
been seven months. You\'re doing everything
that possibly can be done. Yeah.

00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:14.999
You\'re dealing with donor specimens
that have proven fertility - Yeah.

00:44:15.000 --> 00:44:19.999
- in, in ah, in multiple women versus
not just one. Uh-hmm. Uhm, the fact

00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:24.999
that you know, you\'re being really carefully monitored
and everything is going really well - Uh-hmm. - uhm,

00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:29.999
it\'s just a matter of time. Yeah. And if you
were in a situation where you were trying

00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:34.999
on your own, you know, with a partner - Yeah.
- you could easily try for a year before

00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:39.999
even going to the doctor to say - Oh, oh, yeah. No, I
know that. - we\'ve been trying for years so just hang

00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:44.999
in there. Yeah.

00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:49.999
[music]

00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:54.999
Since the last time I spoke to you, I chose
four people from the letters I received.

00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:59.999
And the first one I met, I met for dinner
one night and he was really handsome and

00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.999
nice and smart but there are a couple of
things that weren\'t quite right for, for me.

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:09.999
Basically, different religion
I think was the main thing.

00:45:10.000 --> 00:45:14.999
One person wanted to know the child
and spend time with him, but then

00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:19.999
they weren\'t willing to help, like pay for daycare or
anything. They sort of wanted all the good things without any

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:24.999
of the bad. One of them I\'m still in touch with
and we still talk on the phone. We\'ve met once

00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:29.999
and he\'s still a potential. He\'s very,
very nice and he\'s handsome and bright

00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.999
and I think he\'d have ah, nice-looking
children. I mean, I think that they\'d look...

00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:39.999
Actually, he looks a lot like me
and I thought it funny that...

00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:44.999
So that\'s kind of good. And I would
day that in three months from

00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:49.999
now I\'ll either be pregnant or go
working on getting pregnant for sure.

00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:54.999
That\'s my prediction.

00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:59.999
[music] I remember my first pre-natal
class. It was the first time that I

00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:04.999
really got the difference of being, being
single and not just being a mom. I walked in

00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:09.999
and there were all these couples. When I had my
coach with me but there were all these couples and

00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:14.999
I could see, you know, little arms going over, you know,
getting pillows and people sort of doing this and

00:46:15.000 --> 00:46:19.999
all of a sudden, I got it. I\'m
doing this alone. It\'s true(ph).

00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:24.999
And there was a sadness there. I remember there
was a feeling of really for the first time, yeah,

00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:27.999
this is gonna be hard... bring
up something (inaudible)

00:46:28.000 --> 00:46:29.160
you\'re having the (inaudible)

00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:34.999
uhm and it has to do with
touching each other.

00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:39.999
By your touching... The difference is probably about
if I was in a relationship, if I was a couple and

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.999
having a baby coz when you\'re a couple it\'s
two people who have one vision, one goal and

00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:49.999
it\'s a real team. You have that sense of
just oneness. And when you have a situation

00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:54.999
like mine, it\'s not the team feeling.
There\'s a one-armed baseball player,

00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:59.999
I mean, he\'s a very resilient guy and he\'s a
professional baseball player with one arm.

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.999
Does having two arms give

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.999
one an advantage in the game of baseball?
Yes it does.

00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:14.999
Does having two parents give
a child an advantage in the

00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.999
game of growing up to be a happy child?
Yes it does. Do we have a

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.999
one-armed baseball player every once in a while? Yes we
do. I think that the Little House on the Prairie model

00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.999
doesn\'t work anymore. I think we\'ve gone too far. And
I think in some ways I can see that\'s a terrible

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.999
shame. I think it\'s a terrible shame for men specially
coz they\'re gonna find it increasingly difficult to,

00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.999
to feel comfortable with the way their family goes. And it\'s
not their fault. I mean, they didn\'t make those changes and

00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:44.999
so many men have get screwed as well.

00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.999
So Lea just tell me like how you\'re really feeling,
really. Well, how do you think I\'m feeling?

00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:54.999
The last two or three months I\'m starting to think is
it ever really gonna work. Maybe, maybe it\'s meant to

00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:59.999
be that I\'m not... that it\'s not gonna work.
Maybe that\'s, that\'s what I think. Maybe I\'m

00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:04.999
not... maybe this is somebody\'s way of telling
me that... Lea, I\'ve told you time and

00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:09.999
time and time again, people try for years.
How many times this has been? I know, but...

00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:14.999
How many? Nine. Well, nine months. Well,
I know but... Lots of people try for

00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:19.999
two years to get pregnant. But I don\'t
know if I\'m gonna be able to, to keep

00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:24.999
up wanting to try like each month or

00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:29.999
not each month but the seventh and the
seventh time and this time had been

00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.999
the most depressing to me. It\'s almost to the point where
I don\'t wanna think about it. That\'s why I, I don\'t

00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.999
cry about it - Okay. But you talked about... - because I don\'t
wanna get myself thinking that it\'s really gonna happen.

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.999
But you talked about taking a break. So maybe that\'s the best thing.
I think you should talk to him, ask him if taking a break is gonna

00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.999
affect it all. It seems to me perfectly
reasonable to say to a woman in her 30s,

00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:54.999
you can\'t have everything. I think this is one of the great
myths with the western world, that you can have everything.

00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:59.999
After all, no one says to the
woman of 38 who has spent

00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:04.999
all her young years rearing her children, \"We will
give you a top job because you have your children,

00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:09.999
now it\'s your right to have a top job.\" So why
should a woman who has a top job say okay, I\'m 30

00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:14.999
and I have a right to have what... you know, the rest
of it as well. No. I think you do say to a woman

00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.999
in her 30s, who has una... who was unable to met the
right sort of relationship with a man to... within

00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:24.999
which she can, she can build her family and look after the children
and probably to say, hard luck, now that\'s the way that go, he

00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:29.999
crumbles. You can\'t have it all. Yes. There\'s a part of
this whole process that\'s selfish. That I wanted to have a

00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:34.999
kid but I also think, you know,
that I have a lot to give and

00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.999
one of the reasons... Puppy. Okay, here\'s your puppy.
One of the reasons that, you know, I want to do it

00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:44.999
was because I had a lot of love and I had a lot that I
wanted to give. I knew that... I was pretty sure I would

00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:49.999
be a good mother and so it\'s... yes,
there\'s a piece that\'s selfish but so?

00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.999
Optimally, I would have a great partner
who\'s a loving kind man, but in absence

00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:59.999
of that, I think we\'re doing okay.

00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.999
I had a really, really good time in Mexico.
I love having a tan so that part

00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:09.999
was good and when I was coming back there was a family
sitting to my right on the plane. It was a mother,

00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:14.999
father and four kids and when I looked at that
family I was like oh, that\'s what I want. The

00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:19.999
mother and father were very obviously in love
and I just thought, Now, isn\'t that wonderful.

00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:24.999
And I thought here I am thinking of doing it on
my own and I was not too sure about it anymore.

00:50:25.000 --> 00:50:29.999
When I looked back to putting the
ad in the paper, it makes me

00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:34.999
realize how this whole thing has to be involved
and I feel very, very good about my decision

00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:39.999
not to go ahead with that this time.
I just couldn\'t do it if I

00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:44.999
hadn\'t feel anything for them and I didn\'t
want to spend the rest of my life possibly

00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:49.999
looking at a child that looked exactly
like them. And, and I think that now

00:50:50.000 --> 00:50:54.999
I\'m probably gonna start looking for a different
kind of man like all along I\'ve just been out

00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:59.999
for, you know, to have fun and travel and
have a good time and I\'ve never been too

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:04.999
serious and I think it\'s about time. I think I might
sort of tracking(ph) a different kind of person

00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:09.999
because that\'s what I wanna be looking for.
So uhm, I think at

00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:14.999
this point what we need to talk about is
what\'s, what\'s gonna be your next step.

00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:19.999
Well, I think definitely I\'m gonna stop for
now. I\'m gonna see what happens after this, but

00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:24.999
it\'s been ten times, so I think it\'s a good time over the
summer for me to stop and - Uh-huh. - maybe take a little

00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:29.999
pressure off myself and I\'ll see
maybe September, something like

00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:34.999
that, I, I\'d ask a doctor what sort of an
effect if it had any, if I stop did it make a

00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:39.999
difference. No, it won\'t make a difference. And he indicated no
as well, so... No. And I think it\'s a good idea for you to take a

00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.999
break because you\'ve been going pretty intensely
- Yeah. - for the last almost a year Yeah.

00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:49.999
[music]

00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:54.999
So tiny. Need little boots. No that one doesn\'t
need boots, it\'s got little feet on it.

00:51:55.000 --> 00:51:59.999
[sil.] (inaudible)

00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.999
Okay. All right,

00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:09.999
mama\'s here. All right.
Oh dear, oh dear what a

00:52:10.000 --> 00:52:14.999
sad baby. What\' the matter? You
want a kiss? I can\'t imagine

00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:19.999
life before him. It\'s like life sort of
started when he was born. It\'s like a

00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:24.999
whole segment of my life has
just opened up and ah, I\'m

00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:29.999
madly in love. Who\'s the little Buddha?

00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:34.999
I don\'t think anybody can say that this is

00:52:35.000 --> 00:52:39.999
right for everybody. No, it\'s not gonna be right for everybody. But I
think if you have that feeling that you really, really wanna have a baby,

00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:44.999
then don\'t, don\'t say no because
you aren\'t in a relationship.

00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:49.999
Because it\'s like saying no to something so
primal in your life. I mean, it\'s just, yeah,

00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:54.999
you have to do it.

00:52:55.000 --> 00:52:59.999
Oh yeah. Here we go.

00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:04.999
What do you think? What do you think?

00:53:05.000 --> 00:53:13.000
[music] Ah, you folks yet around if you know a very healthy, very intelligent, very successful, outstandingly successful
man under 40, we would be... appreciate his name. We\'ll follow through if you give him a sugge... give us a suggestion.