WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.000
[music]

00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:14.999
When most people see a
prostitute on a street,

00:00:15.000 --> 00:00:19.999
you know, they see a prostitute, they don’t see
beyond that. I see the other things, addictions,

00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:24.999
abuse issues, I see the hurt.
Uh… That was my life,

00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:29.999
you know, there’s… there’s something so
hard to get away from. I got away from it.

00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:34.999
It’s gotta get better,

00:00:35.000 --> 00:00:39.999
you know, it’s… it can’t get
any worse than it has been.

00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:44.999
My name is Donna Gamble,

00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:49.999
I am 34 and I have six kids.
Four being raised by others,

00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:54.999
two are at home with me, my babies.
I have two grandchildren

00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:59.999
and my daughter Liz, my second oldest
is pregnant again. She is due soon.

00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:04.999
All my life all I wanted to do is be
a part of the community, now I am.

00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:09.999
I am a working part of the community and
there’s lot of addicts who want to be that.

00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:14.999
[music]

00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:19.999
You know, and if anybody gets any kind of reaction from anything
that I might share, please talk to your school counselor,

00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:24.999
your teacher, Merlyn,
anybody you might trust.

00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:29.999
I actually met Merlyn in 1991. So it’s
nine years. I remember when I met her,

00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:34.999
I was… I was an angry woman, I sat back,
you know, she’s… she’s got her woody

00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:39.999
and her condoms and she’s gonna show me how
to put a condom on. You can’t tell a hooker

00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:44.999
how to put a condom on. Honey, I know
how to put a condom on, you know.

00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:49.999
You know, I walk into a lot of schools and lot of kids, some
kids will be sitting there and they’ll be looking at me.

00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:58.000
[sil.]

00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:04.999
And I know what they’re saying. They’re saying, \"You ain’t
got nothing to teach me. You ain’t got nothing to say to me.

00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:09.999
I ain’t listening to you, you old bag.\"

00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:14.999
That’s what you’re thinking, eh?
All you guys are sitting,

00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:19.999
\"Oh, my God, (inaudible). Okay,
we’ll just wait (inaudible).

00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:24.999
Okay, she knows she’s on the summer casting

00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:29.999
or (inaudible). She’s not done yet.\"

00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:34.999
You guys don’t forget
that I’m a gamble woman.

00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:39.999
I started using intravenous drugs.

00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:44.999
Anybody know what that is? No? Vennels?
Vennels? Yeah, vennels.

00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:49.999
I started fixing… I started fixing
when I was 17, and you know what?

00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:54.999
I didn’t plan on that either. When I was a little
kid, sitting in the… the tree house there,

00:02:55.000 --> 00:02:59.999
I never said, you know
what, Candice, my cousin,

00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:04.999
we used to play in the tree house. I never sat… sat there
and looked at Candice and said, \"You know what, Candice?

00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:09.999
I think when I grow up I’ll be a hooker.\" I
think when I grow up I’ll become a junky.

00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:14.999
And, you know, when I grow up,
I’ll become a drunk so bad,

00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:19.999
they’ll look like everybody else in my family.
I never grew up thinking that. I never thought

00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:24.999
I would ever become that. I didn’t choose
to be that. I ended up there because of

00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:29.999
my… my choosing to drink and put myself,
and I putting myself in situations.

00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:34.999
I left out because

00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:39.999
my creator believed that it was time for me to quit
and I was supported by a whole bunch of people.

00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:44.999
Now some guys, we were just
saying earlier complain,

00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:49.999
\"Well, that won’t fit me,\" you know.
And the truth of the matter is…

00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:54.999
I need a guy’s arm. Your arm is small.
Okay. Give me a guy’s arm.

00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:59.999
These ones are good condoms, okay.
That’s really gonna hurt.

00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:04.999
And you put it on and always
remember, guys, get comfortable

00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:09.999
with your penis. Okay? Get
comfortable with your penis.

00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:14.999
What if it breaks like that? Well, you know
what, you’re not gonna have it on your hand.

00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:19.999
When you use it. Was just a little girl.

00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:24.999
I asked my mother, what will I be?

00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:29.999
Will I be ugly? That’s what I am. Ugly.

00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:34.999
Oh, poor baby.

00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:39.999
[music]

00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:44.999
7:30, I got to go to a meeting.
Janine, I need your help.

00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:49.999
Are you gonna help your brother?
With my bedroom?

00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:54.999
Clean with me and then
it’ll be more faster.

00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:59.999
Aren’t we gonna request? Yeah. If
you help me, yeah. Just these…

00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:04.999
[music]

00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:09.999
Actually I like working with the
people, you know, street people,

00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:14.999
people who are outside of the society sort of
ring because I feel more comfortable there,

00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:19.999
you know, that’s where I grew
up with outside of the ring.

00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:24.999
So going into the correctional
is like going home.

00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:33.000
[music]

00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:44.999
Again, I’m gonna be full time in April as an outreach
worker. I feel the work I’m doing is important,

00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:49.999
not just to me, but to
the people I talk to.

00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:54.999
Like I haven’t been home for seven
years, eight years, and a lot of people

00:05:55.000 --> 00:05:59.999
they don’t know the difference They… Yeah. I know that’s
one of the reasons I’m scared to go home in a way,

00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:04.999
it’s ‘cause a lot of people they don’t know
the difference uh… between AIDS and HIV.

00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:09.999
I have those people they
think I am dead already, eh…

00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:14.999
So uh… I’m facing a big obstacle here.
Oh, you show them.

00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:19.999
If you need your family down, we
can help you out that way. Yeah.

00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:24.999
To look at me, you wouldn’t know
that I was a hooker. To look at me,

00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:29.999
you wouldn’t know that I am a junky. I still carry like the scars,
right? Yeah. When you’re thinking, well, hookers, you know,

00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:34.999
you don’t… we’re not a bunch of nymphomaniacs. We’re
your… We’re your sisters, your mothers, your cousins.

00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:39.999
What happened that you just said enough’s enough
and, you know, what… what was your turning point?

00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:44.999
What happened to you in your life that said, okay,
enough’s enough, I’m not gonna go out there in the corner,

00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:49.999
I’m not gonna ram needles in my arm?
Yeah. This lady walked up to me

00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:54.999
and she said uh… \"Can I give you a hug?\" Number one, women
didn’t want nothing to do with me, not normal women.

00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:59.999
And this woman walked up to me and she said, \"Can
I give you a hug?\" All of a sudden, I thought,

00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:04.999
you know, if she could hug me, maybe other
people will talk to me, want to talk to me

00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:09.999
and want to hear me out. What I tell people

00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:14.999
coming off the street, you know what, don’t expect to clean
up right away and don’t expect to be happy right away.

00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:19.999
In fact, it takes a long time because, you
know, if you carry a lot of rage like I have,

00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:24.999
it’s gonna take a long time. Like even to these days,
like six years later, and I’ve just ooh… some days.

00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:29.999
Yeah. You know, and umm… a lot of… But
what I do know, the awareness today is,

00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:34.999
I know behind that rage is lot
of pain and not just me as a,

00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:39.999
the girl who was never listened to ‘cause
sometimes I can even visualize that little girl,

00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:44.999
you know, the uncles put them on their knees,
stick their hand up the dress or, you know,

00:07:45.000 --> 00:07:49.999
times when my mother kicked me around ‘cause the
house wasn’t clean after she was gone for two weeks,

00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:54.999
leaving me with my brothers and sister, you
know. So I got a lot of things to deal with.

00:07:55.000 --> 00:07:59.999
And, you know, that’s all gonna be processed.
And for people to expect that street people,

00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:04.999
especially are gonna get happy go
lucky all of a sudden, you know, no.

00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:09.999
As a little girl

00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:14.999
I was given change all the time, I was given a
dollar or, you know, a little bit of change,

00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:19.999
you know. And… and \"My
uncles used to touch me and,

00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:24.999
you know, sexually abuse me or molest me,
you know, and then they would give me money

00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:29.999
to pass it over to… to ease their
guilt.\" You know, when I was a child,

00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:34.999
you know, I would run to the store
and I eat to make it better.

00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:39.999
She really enjoys working with people

00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:44.999
and umm… whatever she does I am behind her.

00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:49.999
Like, you know, and all the… all
the garbage that went through,

00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:54.999
when she was a little girl till

00:08:55.000 --> 00:08:59.999
when she started uh…
straightening her life out,

00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:04.999
we dealt with all that. Like me
and her, we sat together and we…

00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:09.999
She told me how I hurted her and me in return.
And I think that’s the best thing we ever did

00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:14.999
’cause today she is more than a
daughter, she is my best friend.

00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:19.999
Hi, Donna Linn.

00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:24.999
And, yes, I’m getting married
Saturday, it’s 25th at 1:00 PM.

00:09:25.000 --> 00:09:29.999
Reception is to start at 3:00
and the dance is at 6:00.

00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:34.999
Oh, yeah! Okay, now what do I do?

00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:39.999
You wait. And my ideal dream

00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:44.999
was my kids are grown, my grandchildren might
come and visit me, but I would have a cabin,

00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:49.999
you know, old wood stove
and the big garden,

00:09:50.000 --> 00:09:54.999
my own garden so I can play around in
there. And I would write a book and…

00:09:55.000 --> 00:09:59.999
I met Joe at the Wall Painting Sun Dance

00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.999
and I think… I think we
got together because

00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:09.999
we both have a past. We have
come together this afternoon

00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:14.999
to witness the marriage of Joseph
Whitehead and Donna Linn Gamble

00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:19.999
according to the Marriage Act of Saskatchewan.
Marriage is a time honored institution

00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:24.999
based upon traditions of
law and social custom.

00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:29.999
It’s a partnership of two people devoted to
one another, a partnership sustained by…

00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:34.999
You, Joseph Whitehead… To be my lawful wedded
husband. To be my lawful wedded husband.

00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:39.999
As you have exchanged rings as a token of
your love and affection for one another

00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:44.999
by virtue of the powers vested in
me under the Marriage Act, I do now

00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:49.999
hereby pronounce you Joseph Whitehead and
Donna Linn Gamble to now be husband and wife.

00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:54.999
You may kiss the bride.

00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:59.999
You can breathe now, Joe.

00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:08.000
[music]

00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:29.999
All of this and my dream coming true eh,

00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:34.999
and uh… I… I love my man. And when he
said, \"I do,\" I almost fainted because

00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:39.999
I didn’t know if he would.

00:11:40.000 --> 00:11:44.999
I wanna say to my adopted
son, never lay a hand on her,

00:11:45.000 --> 00:11:49.999
like never lay a hand on her that’s
one thing… that’s one big teaching

00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:54.999
that I’ve been carrying,
that the men love their wife

00:11:55.000 --> 00:12:00.000
’cause abuse so far and we are
the people to break that cycle.

00:12:35.000 --> 00:12:40.000
[sil.]

00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:59.999
My aunty took me out, dancing

00:13:00.000 --> 00:13:04.999
and I did and I remember I cried when I first
went around ‘cause it was really overwhelming.

00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:09.999
Probably the greatest high I
ever had without chemical.

00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:14.999
Dancing has helped me put focus somewhere.

00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:19.999
A lot of people when they get straight,
the Aboriginal people especially,

00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:24.999
umm… figure that life ends when the
party stops. And it doesn’t like,

00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:29.999
I have a whole new party going on here.

00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:34.999
I could go into a pow-wow feeling like,

00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:39.999
I don’t belong and then I’ll have all these
little ladies who will come up to me

00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:44.999
and… and give me a hug and a kiss like they’ve become
my family. Uh… young people are saying hi to me.

00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:49.999
Umm… couples are, you know,
calling me over and,

00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:54.999
you know, talking to me and it’s just…
it’s a family. Like I had a street family,

00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:59.999
I had a street family for years and that’d probably be
the biggest reason why I wouldn’t leave the street.

00:14:00.000 --> 00:14:04.999
Now I have a pow-wow family like round dance
family and they’re the most support to me

00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:09.999
and they’re… they’re the
reason I keep coming back.

00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:18.000
[music]

00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:24.999
Al? Alvin?

00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:33.000
[sil.]

00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:39.999
Janine? What? Do they
serve Biko(ph) at school?

00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:44.999
[sil.]

00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:49.999
Do you want butter in your toast?
Both, my babies

00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:54.999
are recovery babies because, you
know, Janine remembers some things,

00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:59.999
umm… you know, out of the
blue, she might say,

00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.999
well, I remembered somebody with needles,
you know, because she was around

00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:09.999
when I started again. And uh… I don’t
know if she remembers about the drinking,

00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:14.999
but she was very small like, she was
about 18 months, 2 years old. Alvin?

00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:19.999
Hmm? Is that you who last went to bathroom?

00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:24.999
Yeah. Did you lift the toilet seat?

00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:29.999
You’re a good boy. You’re learning,
my boy, you’re learning.

00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:34.999
This year I… I learnt a
little bit about FAS

00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:39.999
and I wonder if maybe that’s a part of it.

00:15:40.000 --> 00:15:44.999
Umm… He’s a recovery baby,
I guess, plain and simple

00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:49.999
and… and uh… I know he is not
comfortable with a lot of people around

00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:54.999
and he gets over excited and… and does
and says things that are inappropriate.

00:15:55.000 --> 00:15:59.999
I can say that I probably drink. I don’t know
I did drink and the other thing too is that

00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:04.999
I used the drugs, eh?

00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:09.999
Umm… It just happened like someone
offered me a cap and I thought,

00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:14.999
oh, I’ll just… I’ll just have
one fix and I was on my way.

00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:19.999
Like I had that one and like $12,000 later

00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:24.999
like I was… I was gone and… and of course,
then I couldn’t quit and I didn’t quit right

00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:29.999
until he was born. I induced my labor
with all the, you know, Rs and coke

00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:34.999
that I was using. Like uh… I got it bad

00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:39.999
and uh… with him it worries me more
because I was on drugs with him.

00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:44.999
So like with Alvin, I just work
really hard. I try to have patience,

00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:49.999
I really do, I really work
hard to being patient.

00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:54.999
Me first? Okay.

00:16:55.000 --> 00:17:03.000
[music]

00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:19.999
You want to say that prayer
that they taught you?

00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:24.999
[music]

00:17:25.000 --> 00:17:29.999
I met my… my birthmother
Donna when I was 16 like,

00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:34.999
the post adoption worker, she came…

00:17:35.000 --> 00:17:39.999
came and saw me one day, told
me that she thinks she found

00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:44.999
the… the woman that is my birthmother.
So she had me write a letter.

00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:49.999
A couple of weeks later I got a letter back

00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:54.999
and it was like

00:17:55.000 --> 00:17:59.999
umm… obviously my mother, bunch of pictures

00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:04.999
and she had her phone number and the
staff at Doe Jack let me call her.

00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:09.999
[music]

00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:14.999
Umm… I don’t know she did all the
talking in the first one call,

00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:19.999
I didn’t… I just didn’t know what to say.
And then about a week later

00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:24.999
they let her come, visit me

00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:29.999
and then she came in, we
just hugged each other

00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:34.999
and cry and…

00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:39.999
I just kept looking at her, I
just remember like I had to

00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:44.999
memorize every characteristic

00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:49.999
she have because it’s just, I don’t know,

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:54.999
unreal to finally know

00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:59.999
where you’re from or whatever.

00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.999
I am the old and then, the one after me

00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:09.999
like my kokum has custody of her

00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:14.999
and then the two after that,
they both are adopted.

00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:19.999
So I don’t know,

00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.999
kind of speaks for itself, I don’t know.

00:19:25.000 --> 00:19:29.999
For me, it’s sort a really agitating,

00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:34.999
you know, when to see her. She is
supposed to be my elder sister

00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:39.999
and she is like I am the older one.
So figure out

00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.999
I had this whole different family that I didn’t
even know about like, I had five sisters,

00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.999
like four sisters and one brother
and well, where are they come from,

00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:54.999
you know, sort of thing.
It’s just really weird.

00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:59.999
[music]

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.999
I did the kids in

00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:09.999
and then I got a call and to wait
around and then I got another call

00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:14.999
from the school. Today my son uh… got rowdy

00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:19.999
and got suspended. So I have to go in

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.999
and deal with that and…

00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:33.000
[music]

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.999
Yeah, see you later, okay. My kids, they
think, you know, I’m growing up like them,

00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:49.999
with them I should say.

00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.999
[sil.]

00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:59.999
For the first time in my life
someone told me I was qualified

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.999
and my boss was really good to me. Uh… During
our interview she says, \"Well, frankly,

00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.999
I think you’re more qualified than most.\"
And… and she actually made me cry.

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:14.999
I cried because that was the first time
anybody ever told me that I was qualified.

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:19.999
Hi, is Bernice in?

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.999
Uh… This is Donna Gamble calling again. I needed to
know the date before… Okay, I’d like to welcome you

00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.999
to this diversion program for prostitutes.

00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.999
Now this ain’t a punishment program.
This is to help like, you know,

00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:39.999
the girls off of the street, to help them give
some choices to what they might want to do.

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.999
We’ve all done things we’re ashamed of and if you thought
really hard and thought about so many things you’ve done in,

00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.999
when you’re drunk or when you’re
high, you know, we’re not different.

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:54.999
The incidents maybe different, but we’re all the
same. We’ve all brought ourselves down to a point

00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:59.999
where you’re here. Okay, we started off with the intro.
What we’re gonna do is start off with the elder.

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.999
Now I chose this elder not
because she is my mother.

00:22:05.000 --> 00:22:09.999
Number one, she is a former prostitute herself,
you know, and she’s been off the street

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:14.999
for a long, long time. She’s
taking a Chem Dep course right now

00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:19.999
in her second year at SIAST. So I’ll
let it go with that my mother, Sylvia.

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.999
I’m Sylvia,

00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:29.999
and my dad was an alcoholic.

00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.999
I was uh… being sexually molested
by him at a very early age

00:22:35.000 --> 00:22:39.999
as far back as I can remember when I was
five years old. And from then on like,

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.999
you know, it seems like

00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:49.999
uh… as I was growing up uh…
everybody was doing it.

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.999
And uh… one day… one day

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.999
I told my mum what was happening and she told me that
I was asking for it, that’s why these things were

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.999
happening for me because I was
such a little… a little B,

00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:09.999
like, you know. And uh… so after
that I kept… I kept my mouth shut.

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.999
Every time something would happen I
wouldn’t tell nobody, I kept it inside me.

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:19.999
My mom seemed to uh… used
to leave all the time

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.999
and I’d have to stay alone with my dad.

00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.999
And uh… I couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t take…
she couldn’t take me ‘cause my little brother always

00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:34.999
went… went with her, but
she never took me along.

00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:39.999
And I used to… Every time
I see her drive away

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.999
with the team of horses at that time, like, you
know, I used to get this scared felling just like

00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.999
a… a knot in my stomach I wanted to get sick ‘cause I knew
what (inaudible) store for me once she was out… out of sight.

00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:54.999
And about 11 years old, I
had a nervous breakdown

00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:59.999
and uh… because of all these
things happening, I guess.

00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:04.999
After that I had to leave,
I had to leave home.

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.999
The doctors… Doctor said that I couldn’t stay
at my home anymore. So they send me away,

00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.999
they send me to Saskatchewan. All I
wanted was someone to… to love me

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:19.999
’cause I was a kid. Like, you
know, I wanted someone to…

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.999
to hug me and say that I was okay.

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:29.999
I stopped at this one café in Saskatoon

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:34.999
and uh… just to have a coffee or a coke right before
I went home. And that’s what I did that one day

00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:39.999
and these men walked in.

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.999
Four of them and this big man like,
you know, he came straight for me

00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:49.999
and I… I really got scared because they
were all half cut and talking loud

00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.999
and umm… this guy came and sat
beside me anyway and he said

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.999
uh… he asked me what I was doing there.

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.999
And I was just a little girl, like, you know, I didn’t
really know how to answer him. And then he told me

00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:09.999
that I was gonna be his wife, but not that nice way.
He told me that I was, you know, he was swearing

00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.999
and told me that, that I was going to be
his wife and that I… I had to stay put

00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:19.999
where I was sitting beside him. And he
had me blocked, so I couldn’t get out.

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.999
And uh… I didn’t know what
to do, like I didn’t know

00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:29.999
if I should yell for help. I thought if I
yelled for help, I’ll get myself in trouble.

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.999
And he took me to… to his room.

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:39.999
And when he got me in there he striped me
and he told me to get under the blankets

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.999
and he said that’s where you’re gonna stay.
And I was so scared, like, you know,

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:49.999
and everybody, all the guys in there, there
was only guys there and I was scared of them.

00:25:50.000 --> 00:25:54.999
I knew what was gonna happen
and I was ready for it

00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:59.999
because it wouldn’t be the first time.

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.999
And umm… but I, like, you know, after a while
towards morning they were all falling asleep,

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.999
so I thought, you know, I’ll take off now
and I started looking for my… my clothes.

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:14.999
And this man woke up and he told me like,

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.999
you know, where in the F am I going and he pulled
me by the hair and threw me back on… on the bed.

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.999
And that’s how I started living with him.
And they went

00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.999
and dropped me off on Avenue
B and 20th in Saskatoon

00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:34.999
and they told me what to do. You stand here
and if a car comes and you tell them how much

00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:39.999
and… and don’t ever stay
more than 10 minutes

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.999
that’s all it will take and
uh… but take the money first.

00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.999
One day, like, you know, when
I was sort of I was pregnant

00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:54.999
I was three months I told them like,
you know, I… I’m gonna have a baby

00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:59.999
and that’s when Donna was born.
And like, you know,

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.999
but all the time figuring I’ll stay home with her
and I’ll look after her and that’s all I need.

00:27:05.000 --> 00:27:09.999
And I thought maybe he wouldn’t… he
wouldn’t allow me to go out there anymore.

00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.999
But as soon as one month…
one month was passed

00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:19.999
like, you know, he told
me to get back out there.

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.999
And after that I got, I had five, six kids

00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.999
in five years. He left me for this woman

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.999
and I… I was there with my children
alone and I didn’t know what to do

00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.999
because I didn’t know nothing to be,
nobody taught me how to be a mother,

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.999
nobody taught me how to live. Like, you
know, he was the one that was my… my

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:49.999
uh… that was telling me what to do.

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.999
Like, you know, he… he uh… he had
my life in his palm like this.

00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.999
For a number of years, Donna was
looking after her brothers and sister.

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.999
I used to leave them for days at the time.

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:09.999
I’ve… I always wanted something to change

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.999
and I kept trying to…
to like not to kill me

00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:19.999
because I hated me. I hated the life I was
living. Then I phone the social services

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.999
and I told them to come and get her because
I was scared what I would do next.

00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:29.999
I was scared that I would… I
would… I would kill my baby.

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.999
And I did that to all of them.

00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:43.000
[sil.]

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:54.999
The more I listen to my mother

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:59.999
the more I get to know, you know,
and learn about my childhood,

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.999
you know, because I didn’t know my mum gave me up because
she loved me and because she was scared to hurt me.

00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:09.999
I didn’t know she felt ashamed of and
guilty about what happened then.

00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:14.999
I always thought she just hate me. So I learnt,
you know, I learnt my mother has her own story.

00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:19.999
I learnt and it wasn’t until I moved to Prince
Albert and started working on some issues

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.999
and sitting with my mom in a healing circle and
hearing my mother actually talk about my (inaudible)

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.999
sexually abusing her, about him selling her

00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.999
to his friends for six
pack, six pack of beer

00:29:35.000 --> 00:29:39.999
when she was a little girl. So then I understand
all of a sudden she is like any other woman

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.999
that I’ve stood on corners with, you know,
and the understanding then is there.

00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:49.999
Okay, I’ll let Lindsay
take over now and be nice

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.999
because she is pregnant with my grandbaby.
Come on, my girl.

00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:59.999
For myself, I want this cycle to stop.
I’m not out there,

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.999
I thank God for that, too. Each and
every day seeing kids out there,

00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.999
it hurts and I am only 17 and
that’s seeing these kids out there

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:14.999
it just hurts. You can see all the pain

00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.999
on their faces that they try and hide
and the pain my mom went through

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.999
and my grandmother went through and
my sister is going through now,

00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:29.999
I got that pain. So I don’t… so I just
want to fix everything up for my family.

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:34.999
[sil.]

00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:39.999
When I was younger I used to
walk around with my head down,

00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:44.999
I was very afraid.

00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.999
So I got… I got put out because
I didn’t have enough courage

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:54.999
to say, you know, screw you, you know,
and then when I got on the street,

00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:59.999
you know, something happened, I snapped.
I became the opposite of

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.999
when I… what I was when I was 11 years old.
I became an angry person.

00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:09.999
All the anger I’d stuffed all my life all of a sudden became…
I became I’d strut around, I’d have my high heels on.

00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:14.999
People would look at me, \"What
the fuck is your problem?\"

00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:19.999
You know, you know that, you’ve seen
that happen, but I became really mean

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.999
and aggressive and it kept everybody like this.
My family didn’t want nothing to do with me

00:31:25.000 --> 00:31:29.999
because I was disgusting, I
was mean and I was a pig.

00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.999
I was a whore, what would it
matter if I became a pig?

00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:39.999
You know, and that’s the way we
carry, that’s what we carry inside

00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:44.999
and that’s what we, that’s what keeps us out there
for the longest time is because that belief that

00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:49.999
we’re never ever gonna able to change, that we’re
never every gonna make that better, you know.

00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:54.999
Even in recovery, I remember the first two years I
used to have my sponsor, the big wench from help.

00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:59.999
She used to always tell me, it’s
what you did, it’s not who you are.

00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.999
And you know what, I didn’t understand that. I…
It didn’t click for the longest time in recovery,

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:09.999
what she meant by, it’s what you did,

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:14.999
it’s not who you are.

00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:23.000
[music]

00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:29.999
I am uh… at the Woodland Campus

00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:34.999
in Prince Albert, taking
Chemical Dependency

00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:39.999
and umm… I am working towards
my certificate and my diploma.

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:44.999
And so that I am able to go out there

00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:49.999
and work with the people and understand
more about addictions and drugs and alcohol

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:54.999
and family problems, you know.
I see a lot of people in pain

00:32:55.000 --> 00:32:59.999
and they don’t think they
have any chance in the world.

00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:04.999
Like, you know, the reason why I took
this program is I went through all that

00:33:05.000 --> 00:33:09.999
umm… garbage, I call it.

00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:14.999
And I too always thought that I’d
never be able to amount to anything.

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:19.999
[music]

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.999
He’s gone, he just left.

00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:29.999
He left. I made a mistake
like I… and I knew it.

00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:34.999
The biggest reason why I
married him was because

00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:39.999
I am… I am scared, you know,
like I was raped in August

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:44.999
and umm… you know, and…
and I just… I needed

00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:49.999
and wanted to be protected. I really
did want a happily ever after though,

00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:54.999
well not happily ever after, but
you know, what, I waited 34 years

00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:59.999
because I really did want

00:34:00.000 --> 00:34:04.999
what every \"normal person\" wants.

00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:09.999
But I just made a mistake.

00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:14.999
[music]

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:19.999
It just hurt me and hurt him like

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.999
he could have been on his healing way

00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:29.999
and umm… you can’t fall in love with
somebody who is… who is just beginning

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:34.999
on a healing journey especially coming
out of jail. It’s… it’s hard to have

00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:39.999
too much on your plate, you know,
in doing so. I know because

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.999
I was in early recovery, you
know, I still am really.

00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:49.999
My mum gave me a book
on relapse and recovery

00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.999
and she is taking counseling of course, so…
Yeah. …my mom the ever so helpful lady.

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:59.999
So she gave me this book
eh… and… and like because

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.999
I’m… I am hitting my crunch in the past two weeks like a major crunch,
well, it’s been ongoing, but this was it, this is the bottom line.

00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:09.999
And she came over with this
book and slid it over to me

00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:14.999
and I started reading and I know, mom, I
already know I am in relapse, you know,

00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:19.999
it’s the point before you
actually hit insanity.

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.999
And I said, \"I already knew that,\" you
know, and… but I was going through

00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:29.999
and list… list… list… list,
that’s a part of it, eh,

00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:34.999
and I can’t sleep and then… then
I get into those marathons.

00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:39.999
I call them my lockdowns, what I’ve been going
through lately. I call them lockdowns because it’s

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:44.999
uh… I used to get locked up a lot.
When I was, you know, 11,

00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:49.999
even in the foster home
like shit, go to your room

00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:54.999
and that’s why I don’t like putting my kids in the room, eh,
because I used to have to go to my room and stay on my bed

00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:59.999
with my pajamas on. And I hated it.

00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.999
And Kilburn Hall, I acted up
once, you know, flipped out once

00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:09.999
uh… they would put me

00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:14.999
in my cell for like two weeks. I was
locked in my cell for two weeks

00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:19.999
the first time and I just sort of
got comfortable with it, you know,

00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:24.999
it’s like an addiction itself
I think eh… (inaudible),

00:36:25.000 --> 00:36:29.999
if I misbehaved I got locked
down for a month and that’s when

00:36:30.000 --> 00:36:34.999
I am a kid I am 12 years old, 13, you know.
So I just got used to it,

00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:40.000
used to being locked up.

00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:13.000
[sil.]

00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:19.999
For our wind up, tonight we have invited

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:24.999
a young lady from (inaudible). Donna
Gamble, can you please come up?

00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:33.000
[sil.]

00:37:35.000 --> 00:37:39.999
All right, I’d like to say first

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:44.999
that… that I was really honored to
come down south and speak at Gordon’s.

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.999
Umm… I won’t go right into

00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:54.999
my whole life story because,
you know, a lot of us

00:37:55.000 --> 00:37:59.999
can probably relate. I… I come from a
family where there is lot of violence

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.999
and I have six children, five
girls, one boy, and yeah,

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.999
I have my… only my two youngest
ones at home. So when I got sober

00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:14.999
and cleaned up and got off the street,
I really didn’t know how to be a mom

00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:19.999
and… and I didn’t know who to
ask and I was too proud to ask,

00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:24.999
you know, because I was old
enough I figured I should know.

00:38:25.000 --> 00:38:29.999
Umm… I still have to deal
with issues of sexual abuse,

00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:34.999
I have Hepatitis C, and
I get sick off and on.

00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:39.999
So I… I am afraid… I am afraid for my
10-year-old to walk down the street

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.999
and I thought of moving here, moving
there, but there is nowhere safe,

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:49.999
you know, and… and all I can do and
all any of us can do as parents,

00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.999
as friends is to pass on the information,

00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:59.999
you know, I was telling the
young men in this class

00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.999
when you have to stick your knees in between a
girl’s legs even if she is your girlfriend,

00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:09.999
even if she is your wife, it is
not appropriate if she said,

00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:14.999
\"No\" right from the beginning I don’t want
to do this. Don’t take it for granted,

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:19.999
you know, because there is so many
times I don’t even date no more.

00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:24.999
I don’t even date no more. Like I got
married, all for the wrong reasons

00:39:25.000 --> 00:39:29.999
because I wanted… I wanted some
kind of protection from… from men.

00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:34.999
I wanted somebody to look at me

00:39:35.000 --> 00:39:39.999
and say that I am okay. So I got married

00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:44.999
to make it right and it wasn’t. I
married to somebody who is abusive.

00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:49.999
But the good news is

00:39:50.000 --> 00:39:54.999
people say it’s a Gamble
thing that stubborn us,

00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.999
but I… I chose to get
out of it even though,

00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.999
you know, I am so afraid
of being out here alone.

00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:09.999
And all I can do for my
children is teach them,

00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:14.999
don’t ever keep secrets

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:19.999
even the small ones, that the ones
you think, well, it doesn’t matter.

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:24.999
I’ve had secrets in my
heart, my soul all my life.

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:29.999
And I don’t know, I was in
here and I was thinking

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:34.999
what am I gonna say? I actually
waited a long time to be at a round

00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:39.999
and to be able to speak as
a woman, a young woman.

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.999
I want men to see that I am hurting.
I want men to know that

00:40:45.000 --> 00:40:49.999
there is women, a lot of
women like me, young girls

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:54.999
who want to love and give love,
but don’t want to be used.

00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:59.999
A lot of guys kind of stuff

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.999
like that and say, yeah, whatever.
But look to your mothers,

00:41:05.000 --> 00:41:09.999
how would you want your mothers to be treated?
You think about that and then you think about

00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:14.999
the way you treat the woman you’re
with or the woman you wanna be with

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.999
because they got heart and you
don’t know where they come from.

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.999
Umm… I don’t want to take up a lot of the
round dance. I thank you for listening to me.

00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:29.999
I am really grateful that you asked
me to be here and I pray to God

00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:34.999
that I can come back. And
thank you very much.

00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:39.999
[sil.]

00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.999
What happened (inaudible)?
No, I am laid off.

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:49.999
[sil.]

00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:54.999
I thought of suicide a lot. I
just think it’s too late eh…

00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:59.999
I know, I know it’s too late, you know,
people, even elders tell me that

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.999
it’s never too late but, you know,
I had this feeling that it is.

00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:09.999
I don’t really feel connected
to my family right now.

00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.999
My mum is trying hard, but I don’t know

00:42:15.000 --> 00:42:19.999
for whatever reasons I am sort of just
backing. And maybe because… because,

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.999
you know,

00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:29.999
like… like, you know, maybe
it seems kind of unrealistic,

00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:34.999
but dying, you know,

00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:39.999
because people tell me back then, you
can, you’d be all right, you know,

00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.999
I don’t feel all right. I’d…
It’s like I don’t know,

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:49.999
maybe it’s just I’m just being silly or whatever
I don’t give a shit. I just… It’s real to me,

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:54.999
it’s real and…

00:42:55.000 --> 00:42:59.999
Okay. Hold it.

00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:04.999
Breathe… breathe… breathe…

00:43:05.000 --> 00:43:09.999
breathe… breathe… breathe…
breathe… breathe…

00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:18.000
[music]

00:43:25.000 --> 00:43:29.999
I just can’t wait till I
get my baby in my arms.

00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:38.000
[music]

00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.999
Oh, my baby.

00:44:05.000 --> 00:44:13.000
[music]

00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:24.999
My baby, mom is here, it’s all right. Feed him, feed him, feed him. It’s all
right, it’s all right, mummy is here. Mummy is here. It’s all right, my baby,

00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:29.999
mummy is here. Feed him soon.
Yeah, my baby, mummy is here,

00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:34.999
mummy never leave you. Shh…

00:44:35.000 --> 00:44:39.999
Umm… Here is mum. Oh, we had a boy,

00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:44.999
you should have… Oh, already! Already!

00:44:45.000 --> 00:44:49.999
Oh, I can’t go in there. Why?

00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:54.999
It’s locked. No, we just tried
it no, you can get in there.

00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:59.999
Get in there ma, go. I want to go.

00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:08.000
[sil.]

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:24.999
(inaudible) My baby, gave me another baby.
I’m not having any more kids.

00:45:25.000 --> 00:45:29.999
That’s what I said. Let me see.

00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.999
Look at the lips.

00:45:35.000 --> 00:45:39.999
Hmm… Magoo.

00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:44.999
Yeah, you’re another Mr. Magoo.
(inaudible) John Claude Marcel

00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:49.999
or John Claude.

00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:54.999
[sil.]

00:45:55.000 --> 00:45:59.999
I am so proud of my mom. I know she is
gonna go far and I just can’t get over it.

00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:04.999
I am so proud of my mum.

00:46:05.000 --> 00:46:13.000
[music]

00:46:35.000 --> 00:46:39.999
I… Like I talk to my mom and…
and like the biggest thing,

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.999
the biggest, the hardest thing was actually
telling my mum, look, I started drinking.

00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:49.999
Let’s, you know, let’s cut the bull because
she knew and I knew, well, she had an idea,

00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:54.999
but she didn’t really know for
sure and I knew she had an idea

00:46:55.000 --> 00:46:59.999
and I felt like guilt. And finally, I
just told her, look, I am drinking

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.999
that’s where it’s at. And
today I didn’t drink

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.999
and that’s all I am gonna
stick to like, you know,

00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:14.999
uh… I had to start somewhere and some people
go to treatments, some people go to therapy

00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:19.999
and some people travel. I shaved my head.

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.999
It’s just, I don’t know,
I did it once before in

00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:29.999
1996, and I did it,

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.999
I think mainly, I didn’t know
what I… why I did it then,

00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.999
but at hindsight, I figured
it out it was because I…

00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:44.999
It was taking ownership of me, you
know, and part of it is anger,

00:47:45.000 --> 00:47:49.999
grieving and just wanting to release,

00:47:50.000 --> 00:47:54.999
you know. That doesn’t mean
I am gonna stop healing,

00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:59.999
I am not gonna… I did stop healing, I cut myself
off from it, I cut myself off from my mom,

00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:04.999
cut myself off from sweats and everything
else and it was actually ‘cause my daughter

00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:09.999
umm… it was really weird the
other night, she told me

00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:14.999
she had a dream that she came
to me to look for a night gown.

00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:19.999
And uh… she said in the dream
she asked me for a night gown

00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:24.999
and I didn’t have one umm… ‘cause
she was gonna go to a sweat.

00:48:25.000 --> 00:48:29.999
She need to go to a sweat. So that
told me that I have to get back there

00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:34.999
and if not for myself for my
children, for my family, you know,

00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.999
like it’s good for my family.

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.999
It’s so hard to leave the street, you know.
The girls here

00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.999
they had a vigil for sisters
who died out there.

00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:54.999
You know, we all have our stories.

00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:59.999
It started with the woman who hugged me too eh… like
this woman walked by with her husband and her son.

00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:04.999
They walked by and I
watched them, you know,

00:49:05.000 --> 00:49:09.999
in the corner of my eye. She talked to her husband
for a bit and then she came back and she said,

00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:14.999
\"Can I give you a hug?\"
That’s all she said.

00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.999
She hugged me. She made me cross
my arms and she hugged me.

00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:24.999
And she said, \"Thank you\" and walked away.

00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:29.999
It destroyed my world because she… she
connected me to… to the outside world.

00:49:30.000 --> 00:49:34.999
She acknowledged me uh… as a woman,

00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.999
as a human, and she didn’t ignore me.

00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:44.999
That was the keeper of anything,

00:49:45.000 --> 00:49:49.999
any treatment, any… anything
that could’ve happened like

00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:54.999
that was it, that’s what made me want

00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:59.999
to… to know more.

00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.999
You know, the calm before the storm,

00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:09.999
well, I’m in the storm, you know, and after the
storm there is always, you know, beautiful skies,

00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:15.000
I’m sure that’s what’s gonna come.
I hope I get there soon.

00:50:55.000 --> 00:51:00.000
[sil.]